March 31, 2014 / 7 Reasons She Is Not Interested In You
You want to know why? Here's why.
Several months ago I talked to you about signs that a woman wasn’t interested in you. Knowing when a woman is interested and when she isn’t is important, but so is knowing why she is not interested. I’ve already explained why asking her is pointless, but you can generally assume one of the following reasons are the culprit:
1. She’s not interested because she’s not physically attracted to you.
Let’s face it: while looks aren’t everything, they do matter. Most women are willing to overlook physical appearance if you have other sources of high value, but some are not. In other situations, you may have sufficient value in other areas besides looks but not high enough value to compensate for any physical deficits she may perceive. If she likes tall guys, you might be able to compensate with other sources of high value if you’re 5’9″, but probably not if you’re 5’5″.
Note that her attraction level to your appearance is not necessarily due to physical things you cannot control (such as height and certain facial features) but could also be related to appearance issues you can easily control, such as your clothing, grooming, and body.
2. She’s not interested because there’s a big gap in your ages, or she considers you both to be at very different "points" in your lives.
Some women have reservations about dating (or even hooking up with) guys who are far apart in age or "point in life". When I say "point in life", I am referring to what stage you are in your life versus hers. If you’re 19 and you meet a girl who is 25, she’s likely going to consider herself at a different point in life than you. Even if you’re the same age, this can happen. If you’re both 25 but she’s already divorced and has a child, you may struggle to build any sort of rapport because you’ll have very different priorities and values in life. These large gaps in your age and/or "point in life" can kill a connection before it even begins.
3. She’s not interested because you both have very different lifestyles.
Different or conflicting lifestyles are a huge issue in relationships. You may connect with someone on a personal level but if she works nights and you work days, she may decide to not even give you a chance. Other examples include vastly different financial situations, long distance, different religions, or very different social lives. If she is accustomed to eating out and vacationing at St. Barts, she’s not going to be interested in dating a poor college student. If you met her on spring break in Mexico but she lives in Arizona and you live in Vermont, it’s easy to see why she would lose interest. If she is devoutly religious and you’re pretty much agnostic, it could cause her to go cold. If you can’t stand dive bars but she can’t wait to don her Eli Manning jersey and pound a few beers at the local Giants bar, she may be turned off. Basically, the more your lifestyles are incompatible or different, the more chance it could cause her to lose interest.
4. She’s not interested because you acted too needy.
Did you come off too strong? Try too hard? Keep bugging her about going out, meeting up, or getting together? Did you go out of your way to listen to her babble about other men on the phone? There is a good reason these actions turned her off, which I’ve already discussed at length. Appearing too needy is a major turn off to women and a key reason why she may have lost interest. This is a particularly insidious reason as you will almost never get indications or signals from her that you are trying too hard until it’s too late.
5. She’s not interested because her friends don’t like you.
Sometimes, all it takes is for a friend of hers to express displeasure with you for your target to lose interest. This is part of why it is so important to at least "break even" with her friends. Women are notoriously indecisive and indecisive people tend to look to others to make decisions for them. If you rubbed a friend the wrong way, that could be a major strike against you, a large enough strike to cause her to lose interest.
6. She’s not interested because she never knew you were interested.
This reason is the opposite of neediness. Sometimes, women will lose interest simply because they believe you aren’t interested in them. There is a fine line between coming off as too needy and conveying sufficient attraction. If you do not demonstrate enough interest for too long, it is likely that women will just "give up" and lose interest all together.
7. She’s not interested because you’re not cool enough.
Just as women depend on their friends for aid when it comes to dating decisions, they also place high emphasis on "social proof." If you had anything like the typical American high school experience, you already know how this works. There are simply some girls that are unattainable because you don’t have sufficient social proof. If you don’t hang out with the "cool" guys, you don’t get to date the "cool" girls, and that’s pretty much how it is.
While this mostly dissipates after high school, similar situations can arise later in life. For example, if the woman you’re interested in a co-worker, she may not be interested if your lower in the corporate hierarchy than her (both as a reflection of your standing, and concerns about dating a subordinate). Or if you’re at a club, she may be more interested in the guys that got bottle service.
The key: Value
While the 7 reasons I listed are all somewhat different, they mostly revolve around the concept of "value". In the end of the day, women are attracted to men who demonstrate "high value". Physical attraction is value, social proof is value. Certain attractive lifestyles demonstrate value, as does having the boldness to make your intentions known. Being needy is a low value trait, and so is not being able to get along with her friends. If she wasn’t interested, there was likely some area where you were lacking value.
Here’s the thing: knowing why probably doesn’t matter
It can be useful to analyze why she rejected you, but usually it’s only actionable if you made a mistake that screwed up her perception of your value. If you realize she was interested until you told a joke one of her friends thought was very offensive (reason #5), it’s good to know that you should avoid telling that joke in the future.
But otherwise, you should always want to increase and maximize your value, independently of whether or not a given woman is interested in you or not. Don’t let rejection be the only catalyst for self-improvement. Everything on this list should be considered as guidelines and suggestions to see where to make improvements in your game, as opposed to guidelines for further analysis of why things went wrong.