Josh Sway
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/ Are You Seeing Someone Else?

How to answer, or not answer, this awkward question.


Often times, in the beginning of dating or even "courtship", a woman will ask you if you are seeing other women. Sometimes, you may even get this question early on in a "courtship". What is the best way to answer this question? There are three schools of thought. I will cover all three, highlighting what I think is the best way to go. Update: Note, this article is about the early dating phase, not when you are in the relationship phase.

Tell her you are seeing others

If you are not exclusive with her, one option is to simply tell her this. Some might even advise saying this if you are not seeing anyone else. The logic is this: Women are attracted to men who are successful with women and have lots of options. The reason is that a stamp of approval from other women means you have "value". It follows from here that you can boost your perceived value with the woman in question by telling her you are seeing other women (and that other women are interested in you.)

This approach has merit in two situations. The first is if you are not willing to evade or lie. In that case, if you are seeing others, you have basically committed to being honest about it. The other time it can add value is very early on before you have been intimate with a woman. Since it is early in your interaction with her, building attraction is important and being wanted by other woman can help.

However, this approach is not good if you have already slept with the girl or she is already really attracted to you. If she is already very attracted to you, you no longer need to worry about demonstrating more value, what you need to worry about is the comfort phase. She isn’t going to be comfortable if you tell her she is one of a few and may even lose interest in you because she is afraid you are too high value for her to compete (or that you are just using her for sex.)

Tell her you are not seeing anyone else

Telling her you are not seeing anyone has more or less the opposite impact as telling her you are seeing others. Seeing others is a message that tells her you have "value" whereas not seeing others tells her you are a potential "provider". In situations where it is early in the process you may scare her away due to perceived low value of not having other women in your life not offset by any value you give as a potential provider (she isn’t attracted enough yet to worry about that). However, I have found that further on in the game, especially after sex, this answer is superior in results to the previous answer. This is because she is already sufficiently attracted and at this stage cares more about whether or not you can also be around longer term. Unfortunately, for many people, using this answer involves lying. This leaves answer number three, which is my normal go to: Evade.

Evade the question

In general, the best way to answer commitment type questions unless you really want a commitment and she is on board is to evade the question. My favorite way to evade the question is to "amplify". Amplifying means answer via ridiculous exaggeration. Here are a couple examples.

1. "Actually, I am looking to get married this weekend."
2. "Yea, I go on about 10 dates a day, I got three more lined up after this one actually."

In conclusion

How you answer this question (and you will get it) depends on the situation. There is no right answer, though if I had to pick, I would say evasion is the best approach. This question is a common scenario where calibration goes a long way. Understand what message each answer sends a woman and then given the situation, decide which message is best to send.





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