December 29, 2013 / Cast The Right Sized Net
You can't avoid the numbers game in dating, but you can deal with it effectively.
"You can’t avoid the numbers game"
Every true expert in dating will tell you that at the end of the day, it’s a numbers game. However, dating being a numbers game does not mean you have to get rejected 500 times for every girl that agrees to go out with you. That approach isn’t a bad one, but it is not the only approach. There are many ways to play the numbers game, and it all has to do with how you "cast your net".
Two types of "net casting"
Consider two men, let’s call them Adam and Brian. Adam doesn’t like to leave anything to chance. In a bar with 100 women, he will approach every single one. Since dating is a "numbers game", he may get 20 numbers, and of those 20 numbers, 5 will result in dates.
Brian, on the other hand, is lazy, but he is highly attune to non-verbal cues women give off. Of the 100 women at the bar, Brian quickly recognizes 10 that are giving him eye contact or other suggestive vibes. He approaches only those 10, gets 8 of their numbers, and ends up with 5 dates.
Adam casts a wide net, Brian casts a narrower one. They each end up with the same number of dates. They both could not avoid the numbers game. Out of a pool of 100 possible women, they end up with 5 dates. Adam hit the "low percentage" in his date / approach ratio, but Brian hit a low percentage in his approach / possible targets ratio. Each approach has its positives and negatives. Adam’s approach ensures you find all the willing women but it is inefficient and slow (and mentally draining for some men). Brian’s approach is highly efficient, but there’s a good chance that he missed some potential women who did not give off signs of interest prior to approach.
Common Net Size Mistakes
The ideal net, in my opinion, is a net that is cast "slightly" too wide. You want to be sure you are getting all the possible targets but you also don’t want to waste a ton of time on women who are obviously not going to be interested. Understanding what the "proper" net size is can best be learned through examples of common net size mistakes. There are two types of mistakes, nets that are too wide, and nets that are too narrow.
Too Wide Net Example
1. Hitting on everything that moves
Hitting on everything that moves is a very inefficient approach. Not only are you wasting a ton of time talking to women who are highly unlikely to be interested, you will waste even more time sifting through a bunch of numbers that will end in a flake. Furthermore, you can get ‘marked‘ by other women who will be turned off by seeing you jump from woman to woman, especially if you are getting rejected a lot.
2. Online dating copy-paste
Online dating has a bunch of "net casting" behavior. One such behavior is to copy paste the same message to a ton of women. This approach gets a relatively high number of responses but many of the responses are unlikely to amount to much. Furthermore, an obvious copy paste can turn off a woman who would have been interested if you used a "real" opener. In an experiment I did for my e-book Sway Seduction, I found that my opening messages yielded 3.5x the response rate of a simple "Hi" within 24hours of send, so opener quality does matter.
Too Narrow Net Examples
1. Waiting for the "perfect setup"
Too many men wait for all the stars to align before making an approach. They wait for too many signals; eye contact, a smile, etc. before moving in. These approaches will lead to a high percentage of success, but you are leaving out too many potential women by only focusing on the obvious targets. Reading signs is a good skill but it is a ‘complementary’ skill which I even label as more advanced in my approach book, The Art Of Sway. Don’t depend on the stars aligning perfectly.
2. Online dating sex seeking profiles
Many men like to use online dating for easy lays. A very common approach that men use is to create a profile that filters out everyone who isn’t just down to get dirty right away. An example might be: "Hey ladies, I’m horny, and I know you’re horny, so why don’t we just cut to the chase and get down to it. If you think I’m hot, reach out, because If I think you’re hot, I’m going to reach out. I’m not looking for anything serious, just some passion, chemistry, and excitement."
This is a terrible profile (want to know what a truly great profile accomplishes?); however, many men mistakenly think it is a great type of profile because the percentage of women who respond to a message do end up "putting out" really early on. The problem is that this net is too narrow. There may be 100 women who would date the owner of that profile if they had a good profile; 70 of which would put out on a first date anyway. With a profile like this, maybe you get 5 of those 70 potential women.
Cast the right net
In conclusion, always be sure you are casting the "right" net. Don’t cast a stupidly wide net that will just result in a lot of time wasting, and don’t cast a super narrow net that eliminates tons of potential women. Find the right balance, which usually means a net that doesn’t fall into the scenarios described above.