November 15, 2013 / Dealing With Rejection: 8 Principles
Here are 8 principles that will help you deal with rejection.
Rejection is an inevitable part of the dating world, and not just for men. Believe it or not even the hottest most successful women get rejected, dumped, used, etc. by men. Unfortunately, rejection being commonplace does not mean it is easy to deal with. I wrote an article about how to learn from failure, but I wanted to hone in on the specifics of a rejection versus generic failure. In this article I am going to talk about ways to cope with rejection if that is an area you have difficulty in. Note that rejection will always sting a little, no matter what, and that is not a bad thing. [Read about that here].
1. Accept the inevitability
As I mentioned in the intro and in our "sting of rejection" article, rejection is completely normal. The first step towards feeling better about rejection is that it is a normal thing that everyone experiences. Once you accept the inevitability of rejection (and that it happens to everyone), you have the first step in the recovery process.
2. It isn’t always your fault
A very common reason people get so hurt when they are rejected is that they think it is always their fault. "Could I have done this differently?" "If I had only done this, or said that", "If I had just went for the kiss" etc. The reality is that while you may have been able to shift the odds more in your favor had you acted differently, often times, it would not have mattered enough anyways. Bottom line: rejection is not always your fault in the sense that there is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. This should help you overcome the toxic "coulda shoulda whoulda" attitude.
3. Focus on the positives
Focus on the positives of a rejection, and not just the negatives. For example, maybe you got a kiss but you couldn’t get anything further. Heck, at least you got a kiss! That is more than most guys get from the women they really want. Perhaps you got some valuable feedback on "why" you got rejected (it’s not super common, but sometimes women do give this feedback). That is a positive that you can use to learn from, which brings me to point #4.
4. Learn from rejection
Besides subconscious learning that will occur when you are rejected (per our article: Sting of Rejection), you can also consciously learn how to improve your game. Check out some of our articles in our Women and Tactics and Dating sections to improve your chances with the next woman. Also, think back and try to identify where there were issues. For example, where there a lot of awkward silences. Was there no eye contact and physical contact? etc.
5. Get experience with success
A lot of times guys get down on rejections because they are being unrealistic. Read our article: Practice Makes Perfect. You aren’t going to turn into Michael Jordan overnight, so don’t expect to be bringing the highest value women home with you night in and night out. Hitting on women out of your league and being rejected time and time again isn’t going to help you. Build up some experience being successful by starting with easier targets (such as women who show interest in you, women who contact you first w/online dating, etc.) Interestingly, what you will find is that as you become more successful with women, the caliber of women that suddenly start to show interest, message you first online, etc, significantly improves to where you are going to be perfectly happy with those women who show interest in you first!
6. Go out with friends and/or other women
One of the best ways to move on from a rejection is to put your mind to other things. An easy solution is to go out with friends and/or other women. I have found that company of others is one of the best ways to forget about bad things, even more so than playing addictive video games.
7. Use it as motivation
Use being rejected as motivation. While we cannot change everything about ourselves, we can change a lot of things. You can make yourself more physically attractive by going to the gym [Check out our fitness articles] and dressing better. You can make yourself more attractive as a person by learning about more things, picking up a hobby, and/or working on your communication skills (verbal, and non-verbal). A rejection is sometimes not your fault, but sometimes it means you are not as attractive as you can be. Channel your frustration, depression, and anger into improving yourself.
8. Move on
While there are some techniques to turn a girl from cold to hot [See the following article], in general, the best solution is to move on. Harping over a rejection is only going to make things worse, and while it may seem like a "free option" to keep pursuing someone because you think you are still living your life normally, going out w/other women/etc. that is not always the case; for many, just mentally focusing on "the one that got away" can be emotionally draining. That is counter-productive.
A lot of the content on joshsway.com can really help you reduce the chances you will get rejected, but a rejection will inevitably happen. Try following the 8 principles in this guide to minimize the damage a rejection does to you, and perhaps even improve because of it.