September 18, 2014 / Four Situations Where Aggression Isn’t Warranted
Sticking your tongue down her throat is aggressive. It's also gross.
"So after awhile she went home, nothing happened. And then, the next night, I saw her at the club, and she goes, ‘hey, what happened last night?’
"And I was like, ‘What?’
"And she goes, ‘How come we didn’t have sex?’
"And I was like, ‘Because you didn’t want to…?’
"She’s like, ‘Yes I did, I was really into it.’
"And I was like, ‘Then why did you keep stopping me?’
"And she goes, ‘Because I wanted you to just go for it.’
"And I was like, ‘What does that mean?’
"She says, ‘I’m kind of weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me. Like that’s a big turn-on for me.’
"I was like, ‘Well you should’ve told me, I would’ve happily done that for you.’
"And she says, ‘No, it has to feel real, and dangerous.‘
"I’m like, ‘What are you, out of your fucking mind? You think I’m just going to rape you on the off-chance that, hopefully you’re into that shit?'"
— Louis CK, Chewed Up (2008)
One of the key principles of seduction is aggression. If you want to maximize your potential with women you need to aggressively pursue them. This means not being afraid to make the first move, not being afraid to physically escalate, and not being afraid to take risk which may result in getting rejected. However, as I wrote in my article Taking Risks is About The Reward, it doesn’t always make sense to take risk. Similarly, it doesn’t always make sense to be aggressive. Here are four situations where you don’t want to be too assertive and too aggressive.
1. When She Tells You to Stop Your Physical Escalation
The quote I used at the beginning of the article is from a stand-up routine done by Louis CK, and it’s a good guideline to follow. If you’re escalating physically and you encounter resistance, then just stop. Yes, it’s possible she’s just fucked up the head with huge daddy issues and her resistance really means she wants you to be even more aggressive, and pin her down and fuck the shit out of her. It’s also possible that if you do that, you’ll be charged with rape and spend the next 10 years getting fitted for a size 9 asshole after you get convicted and sent to prison.
You may feel like she’s giving mixed signals, and saying things like, "I don’t know if we should do this." It’s possible, if you handle this right, you can overcome this kind of "last-minute resistance" that some women put up. But the answer to resistance to physical escalation is never more aggression. More aggression is not going to build the comfort she needs to feel ready to have sex with you, and in all likelihood it’s going to backfire horribly.
2. When You are Trying the ‘Long Time Reconnect"
I wrote about the scenario where you are trying to rekindle interest in a woman you dated or hooked up with a long time ago. A big mistake many men make when attempting this is being too forward and aggressive. A woman will be naturally leery (or just not interested) in reconnecting with a guy from the past. She will question his intentions and be much more reserved than she was in the past. This is especially true if you were the one to simply disappear off the face of the earth after meeting. In this situation, aggression will turn her away very quickly. She will likely find it extremely insulting that you would just take her interest for granted after all that time.
3. When the Aggressive Approach Failed
TVJ and I almost always advocate trying to seduce your potential targets as quickly as possible. The earlier you get laid and physically escalate, the better, for a variety of reasons we talked about in our article about how playing it slow is a bad strategy. With that said, sometimes that approach does not work, and when it doesn’t work you may have no choice but to play the long game. TVJ wrote a great article: Playing the long game: Exceptions which covers those situations in more detail.
When it comes to the long game, being overly aggressive can backfire. Some women will interpret you as being dense (he can’t take the fucking hint already?), rude (dude, you tried this already and it didn’t work, it’s starting to annoy me), or inconsiderate of her situation (I told you I am romantically involved with someone right now, why do you keep blatantly hitting on me?). If you’ve decided to play the long game, then you’re defeating the purpose by being aggressive.
4. When Kissing
TVJ and I rarely write about things like foreplay or sexual techniques. It’s not because we don’t have anything to share, but simply because JoshSway.com is geared towards helping men improve their lives and be in a better position to get sex in the first place. That in itself is a challenge to many men! However, a step that is almost always a precursor to sex is kissing, and bad kissing technique can be a major turn off to woman.
A common mistake almost all bad kissers make is that they are much too aggressive. The vast majority of woman will indicate how they like to be kissed by the way they kiss. I have found that letting the woman lead when it comes to kissing, interpret what she wants, and then adjust accordingly is by far the most effective way to kiss. Grabbing her by her hair and ramming your tongue down her throat is not what you should be doing unless you’ve first established she will like that from the way she kisses.
You Can’t Run Through a Brick Wall
For the most part, you should be aggressive in your interactions with women, and playing it alpha-cool. But you may see some dating advice that essentially advocates "plowing," or pretty much just being 100% aggressive in wearing down a woman through sheer attrition.
We don’t advocate these "attrition-based" techniques, because attrition doesn’t always work. At some point you’re literally facing a figurative brick wall. If you try and bypass that brick wall just by running into it full speed, you still won’t get past it after a thousand attempts. You won’t "wear it down." You’ll just end up with a really bad headache and a completely intact brick wall.
So don’t run into brick walls, and be smart enough to know when you should toggle down the aggression. You’ll be much more well-served as a result, and also save a ton of money on Advil.