January 12, 2014 / Friends With Benefits Is Not Sustainable
Enjoy a friends with benefits arrangement while it lasts.
Many men out there believe that they want a "friends with benefits" relationship. For those who don’t know, a friends with benefits relationship is a relationship that is for the most part physical with little to no non-sexual romance involved, no monogamy, and no commitment. For example, there is little to no gift giving and little to no dates. The arrangement is simple, meet up to have sex. No monogamy, no commitment. It seems very exciting to many men who aspire to get good with women, and it becomes a reality for them as well. However, what it rarely does ever do, is last very long.
Sex involves emotion
For women, sex is much more emotional than for men, but it still is emotional for many men. It is hard to consistently have sex without one party developing an emotional interest or connection. Sex is rarely a purely physical act, and when it is, it usually isn’t as good as when it is more. When emotions come into play, keeping commitment and non-sexual romance at bay becomes increasingly difficult. For women, it is often the desire for a deeper connection, for men, it is often the emotion of jealousy that starts nudging the FwB relationship to another level.
Equal feelings are rare
Having the same type of attraction level to someone to want a FwB relationship and nothing more or less on both sides, and for that to remain stable, is quite rare. I would suspect, in general, it is men who want the FwB relationship more than women, with women usually hoping to convert the FwB into a real relationship, but sometimes the reverse is true. Either way, a delicate balance is needed to sustain FwB and it is unlikely to exist over the long term.
Someone else comes along
Another problem with FwB existing is that it isn’t really a long term end game for most people. Women especially will likely want a long term relationship and perhaps marriage and a family. This means that FwB is by definition for most women, a hold over until they find someone else who can give them more. While it is possible to continue to sleep with someone while they are dating someone else, it isn’t an ideal setup and is also fraught with issues.
Note that it isn’t just women who will bail when someone else comes along, men to will do it.
At the end of the day, a friends with benefits relationship is not one you do if you have stability in mind. Take it as it comes, enjoy it while it lasts, but don’t expect it to.