November 06, 2013 / Get Your Ex Back: Part 2, General Advice
In part 2 of our Get Your Ex-girlfriend back series we talk about some general advice.
In Part 1 of our Get Your Ex Back series, I talked about the different type of break-ups. Eventually, the specific set of circumstances that led to your break-up will lead to a specific game plan to win her back. With that said, there are several general guidelines that more or less hold in the vast majority of break-up situations. Certain things simply never help your cause and there are other things that are almost always necessary. I’ll cover them now.
Give Your Ex-Girlfriend Time
I wrote about this in What To Do And Not To Do When She’s Gone Cold and it holds for an ex girlfriend as well. When a woman breaks up with you, generally speaking, it isn’t a decision she takes lightly. She did not rashly decide to just break up with you on a whim. What this means is that she isn’t about to do a complete 180 the next day and take you back. Even in the situation where you may have rashly ended the relationship, the emotional damage done to her from such a break-up usually precludes a quick reversal as well. Don’t rush to amend the situation right away, first, give her some time (and space).
Give Her Space
In addition to time, you also need to give her space, at least in the early going. Stalking her, chatting her (even if not related to the break-up), asking friends about her, posting on her Facebook wall, etc. are all bad ideas promptly following a break-up. Many of these things are bad ideas in general (such as stalking), but they are especially devastating in the immediate aftermath of a break-up. Show her you respect her decision (and indirectly, her) by giving her time and space.
Don’t Go on a rampage
It might already be too late for you depending on your situation, but if you just broke up with your girlfriend (or fiancee or wife), it is not an excuse to go on a rampage! Don’t go out getting hammered with your friends, hitting on every girl in sight etc. Don’t hook up with her best friend. Don’t do any of these things right off the bat. Being upset and angry during a break-up is completely natural, but you must act as coolly as you possibly can.
If you have already went out there and slept with a bunch of girls just for the hell of it, try to hide it as much as possible. Getting your ex back is hard enough as it is, there is no reason to go make the task 10x harder by doing a bunch of things that would be inexcusable in the relationship. Being "technically" broken up might make you feel better about what you did, but it will not make her feel better about getting back together with you.
Ease your way into contact
As I wrote about in When She’s Gone Cold, the best way to get back into the good graces of a woman who has gone cold on you is to ease your way back into contact. Getting your ex back is no different. Don’t overwhelm her with flowers and love letters; just re-engage in a simple manner. Even something as simple as a text saying: "Hey there. Just wondering how you’ve been…" can accomplish the task.
Be ok not being priority
Accept that once you have broken up with someone, you may no longer be the number one priority in their lives. This means not being upset if you do manage to plan a meeting with your ex and she flakes on you, or if another guy may be entering the picture. You are not going to immediately start as her number 1 priority the second you re-initiate contact. If you show poise agreeing to play second fiddle to the other things going on in her life, it will make her much more comfortable spending time with you.
A firm, direct approach often works best getting women to date you in the first place. However, an indirect approach is often best to recover a woman from your past. Many people will assume (usually correctly) that any contact by their exes is for the sole purpose of getting back together with them. This puts added and completely unnecessary pressure on a potential meeting with you. If you can ensure that a woman meeting you will not have to worry about any awkward moments, conversation, or actions, she will be extremely willing to do so. Working indirectly is one of the best ways to reduce expectations.
Move Forward With Your Life
You have to accept that there is a high probability that your break-up will be final, despite your best efforts to win your ex back. But, this is not the only reason to move forward with your life. If your ex sees that you are extremely broken up over the break up it is not going to help your cause. See my comments in the last section on potential awkwardness hurting your chances of getting back with her. If you are not moving on with your life, it is going to be nearly impossible for there not to be pressure and awkwardness in a meeting with you.
As you can see, the general strategy to getting your ex-back is pretty much about playing it cool and creating an environment where she can meet you in person without any pressure, awkwardness, or expectations. In the coming sections, I’ll focus on how to tailor make an attack plan based on the specifics of your situation.