November 11, 2013 / How to Ask a Girl Out
Learn how Josh Sway asks women out on a date or to meet up.
One of the most common questions I get asked goes like this: "So, there is this girl, we work/play/go to school together and she is really great. Our interaction goes like this and that… How do I ask her out?" In other words: "How do I ask her out?". Despite how nerve racking it may be given fear of rejection and approach anxiety issues, asking a girl out is one of the simplest things to do! Here’s how I have been doing it, successfully, for years.
Call or text?
I will write about this in greater detail in a later article but the short answer is, it doesn’t really matter. I personally prefer text as "Asking someone out" should be mostly logistical in nature and therefore a phone call is an unnecessary intrusion, is more time consuming, and you have a chance to "screw it up". However, some men are more comfortable on the phone or have strong phone game in which case they can increase the odds of a good date by asking a woman out on the phone. The more important thing to note is something I discuss below, which is that attraction should have already been established before asking a girl out.
Before asking her out
Going up to a random girl you are interested in and "asking her out" is not how the game is played. While you can do this, most likely you will get rejected. Before even asking a girl out, what you really want to focus most of your energy on is making her attracted to you. Asking a girl out is just another way to give you more time (valuable one on one time) to assist in making her even more attracted to you than she already is. But, she needs to feel some attraction to agree to even give you a shot of attracting her more one on one. For help on attracting her in the first place, get our free crash course on women and attraction here. The attraction point is crucial. If you make her attracted to you, then how you ask her out will hardly matter. With that said, sometimes it is nice to have a plan. Here are the basics of a proper "ask out":
The basic idea
As with so many components of dating, the secret when asking a girl out is to play it cool. See our article playing tight aggressive. There I describe the optimal behavior you should have while dating, being: cool / aggressive. When it comes to asking someone out, that means NOT being too eager and not being pushy. You almost want to ask them out in a casual manner as if it’s something you do all the time that is simply no big deal.
How I ask a girl out
When I ask a girl out, I generally use a two step process very similar (or exactly) like what I detail below. Step 1 captures "cool" and step 2 captures "aggressive".
Step 1 of asking a girl out
My go to line is the following: "We should get out sometime". Other variants include: "We should grab a drink sometime." or "We should grab a bite sometime". This statement seems simple but key words are carefully chosen. For example, the word "grab" is a great way to make a meeting seem like "no big deal". The word "sometime" is purposefully chosen to display coolness and to show that you are not too eager and/or desperate.
Note that this is simply the first step in asking them out. You are establishing an interest in getting together and seeing if she reacts favorably. She most likely will, as you have not made her commit to anything at all, only to "hang out" or "grab a drink" at some point in the future.
Step 2 of asking her out
The next step is to propose a time and activity. For instance: "Hey, why don’t we meet at XYZ bar for a drink Tuesday at 730?". Maybe you might want to say: "Are you around tomorrow night? Let’s get a drink at XYZ bar @ 730″. The key is to propose both the place and time. Be assertive. This is the "aggressive" component of cool/aggressive. You showed you were cool with part 1, now it’s time to show you are aggressive and in charge in part 2. As you know from my Day-Date article, I generally advise always arranging for a date at some point at night.
As long as you appear cool and at the same time aggressive and assertive; in charge if you will, you will give yourself the best possible chance. Sometimes; however, in certain scenarios, a different approach than my standard might be in order. Two main ones I want to discuss are asking out a co-worker and asking out a friend.
1. Asking out a co-worker
I personally do not think this is a great idea (especially if the woman is a direct report of yours), but regardless of what I think, it happens, will continue to happen, and you may want to do it anyway. When dealing with co-workers, cool, indirect, and casual is the way to go. Women do not like awkward situations (does anyone?) and getting asked out by someone you are not interested in but have to run into all the time at work is very awkward. The approach I would use in the work environment is to be very indirect, if not even trying to get her to mention meeting up outside the work setting.
Since getting her to ask you out is a low probability event, what I would do in a work setting is trying to get her out in a group setting. For example: "Btw, I’m having some people over for a small party, if you aren’t up to much this weekend stop by." Another method is: "Me and [other co-worker] are grabbing drinks tonight, stop by for a bit."
If asking her to a group function is not feasible, you can go with the standard approach I use but I would caution about asking them to anything open ended. I like to use a time constraint in this situation. For example, instead of: "Meet me for a drink on tuesday." try something like: "I’m meeting a friend in an hour, want to grab a quick drink before then?" The less pressure on her the better and a time constraint (I’m meeting a friend in an hour) is a great way to alleviate the pressure of meeting you should it not go well.
2. Asking out a friend
Busting out of the friendzone is a very challenging task which sometimes necessitates one on one time in a date like setting. Since you are already friends (supposedly) getting her alone should be relatively easy. (If not, then you are not "friends" but "acquaintances".) With a friend, you do not need to follow step 1 of my basic approach, you can simply skip straight to step 2 and suggest a time and a place to meet. Do NOT act like it is a date or suggest anything of the sort. It is much easier and more effective to display your intentions non-verbally on the actual date than to verbalize your feelings. Note, the big challenge when asking out a friend is what you do afterwards (to bust out of the friendzone). We will have more on that in later articles.
There you have it. Asking out a woman is quite simple! The keys to actually asking them are to play it cool but be assertive at the same time. However, what it really comes down to is attraction. If she is attracted to you, more or less whatever you say, within reason, will work!