January 04, 2014 / How To Do Needy Things Without Appearing Needy
Here are 6 ways to take needy actions without seeming needy to women.
Those of you who subscribe to my newsletter will have received an article about neediness and how it is pretty much the biggest turn off to women. However, sometimes, we simply need to (or want to) take some action that is needy. For instance, confirming a date. Confirming a date is, technically, a needy task; however, it is also a necessity given how flaky women generally are. Here are 6 common needy actions we like to take and how you can do take them in a non-needy way.
1. Confirming a date
Confirming a date is a necessity. Unfortunately, it is also needy behavior. How do you get around appearing needy when confirming a date. The best way to confirm a date without being needy is to make a small change in the actual date and use that as the excuse to make contact. For example, if you planned a date at 8pm at XYZ, text her the day off with a message like this: "Hey there, I’m running a bit behind today, let’s do 8:15 instead of 8pm." You don’t have to ask if the date is still on to confirm a date, you simply need to ping her with a reminder which will then prompt her to either confirm or flake. Don’t ever call someone to confirm a date because if she doesn’t pick up you will be left in a nebulous situation of wondering if she will check her messages, being super needy by calling again or doing what you should have done in the first place, which is just sending a text.
2. Ask a girl out
Asking a girl out is sometimes a source of extremely needy behavior but it shouldn’t be. The proper way to ask a girl out is first to attract her (see my article on asking a girl out) and then worrying about how to actually go about it. The general rule is, once you establish some interest in meeting up, to propose a time and a place. Don’t ask when she is free or what she wants to do (though sometimes this does make sense (see point 3 below), simply suggest a time and place and see how she responds.
3. A date at your place
Asking a girl out is one thing, but getting a girl to come over is another. I generally try to arrange a second date at my apartment. However, sometimes this might come off as "too forward" which can be misconstrued by women as "needy". (Yes, sometimes being overly aggressive can be mistaken for neediness). When I am trying to get her to meet at my place, the way I do it without neediness is to either propose two options (one at my place one somewhere else nearby) or to first ask her "if she has anything in mind" for the second date. Her response will almost always be "I’m up for whatever" which then makes it much easier to propose meeting at your place and makes it much harder for her to say no.
4. Buying Gifts
Gift buying, while nice, can often come off as very needy if not done at the right time. Read my article about gift buying to learn how to do this without appearing too needy. The general rule (and it is a good one to follow) is sex before any gift giving.
5. Refusal to escalate physically
If things in the sex and intimacy department are moving too slowly for you, there are needy and non-needy ways to address it. "Begging" or begging like behavior to get sex is very unattractive and will probably lower your odds of getting further. The best way to increase intimacy is arranging dates at your place and if she doesn’t want to, play it cool, agree to a date elsewhere, but then cancel. She will get the message. If the problem occurs once you are in the bedroom, don’t beg, either stop hooking up cold turkey making it seem like it was your idea to not go further or appeal to her comfort level (ask her why she isn’t comfortable with you or what she is afraid of, not why she doesn’t want to hook up).
6. Texting, IMing, and calling
A lot of men ruin it with women because they start texting, IM’ing, and calling the girl they had one date with more than they do their own mother or best friend. This is a very easy way to scare a woman off. The obvious solution to this problem is to simply not engage in random back and forth texts and instead only text, IM, or call to set up the next date. If she is the one who initiates, don’t fall into the trap of engaging too often. Keep conversations short and try to turn them into arranging meetings.
There are many behaviors that are canonically needy and there is no good way to be "non-needy" about them. However, the 6 actions above can appear needy or non-needy, depending on how you execute. Always execute in the non-needy manner.