March 16, 2015 / Men: Respect Your Time
Your attention and effort is as valuable as a woman's sexuality.
I had plans to meet up my friend Tom last Friday. I hadn’t seen Tom in awhile, and I was looking forward to hanging out with him. But then I exchanged these texts with him the day before.
- Tom: Hey, I don’t think I can meet up on Friday.
- Me: Why not?
- Tom: Well there’s this girl I’ve been trying to make plans with, and she may only be free on Friday.
- Me: So you’re going to meet up with her on Friday?
- Tom: Yeah, I’m hoping to. She said she should be free. Can we meet up Saturday?
- Me: Sorry dude, the rest of my weekend is packed. Hit me up next week.
Then, last night, I got these texts from him.
- Tom: Hey man, just want to apologize for flaking out.
- Me: Don’t worry about it. How’d it go with the girl?
- Tom: It didn’t go. She wasn’t free after all.
- Me: Oh, why didn’t you let me know? We could’ve still hung out.
- Tom: Yeah, I know… I felt sort of ashamed, I guess.
- Me: That’s because you didn’t respect your time, dude.
Tom Never Learned to Respect His Time
You probably think my friend Tom acted totally lame. And you’d be right. We had plans, which he canceled so he could make sure he was available to a girl who might be free that evening. Then she flaked, and he was stuck at home. He felt so ashamed he didn’t even try and reach me to see if I was still free to hang out.
And yes, all that was lame. But I see countless men make this mistake. They’re willing to preempt their entire lives just for the opportunity to spend time with a girl. Unfortunately, modern American society does not teach young men that they should never do this. So it’s a lesson many of them don’t learn until well in their 20s, if they ever learn at all. The only guys who seem to learn this early on, are those naturally gifted with a lot of options among girls and friends. Guys like Mike. Unfortunately, Tom was no Mike.
Think about it. Most young women are taught by their parents and teachers to "respect themselves and their bodies." In other words, they’re taught that most boys will want to have sex with them, and they shouldn’t have sex with all of them. They should only have sex with those that are deserving; those that are sufficiently high status and who will commit to them for the long-term.
And what are young men taught? Are they taught to "respect their bodies"? No, because that wouldn’t make sense. Imagine you’re a father of a teenager. Somehow, you find out that your teenage offspring has a reputation for being very promiscuous at her school. If this was a daughter, you’d probably be worried. You would literally think: What did I do wrong? Why is she having sex with all these guys she barely knows? It’s not like all these guys have been her boyfriend, she’s just putting out to anyone who asks. Why does she have such low self-esteem?
But if this was your son, you wouldn’t be nearly as concerned. You might be worried about him getting an STD or knocking a girl up, but that’s about it. You’d probably want to high-five him!
Now, let’s reverse the situation. Imagine you have a daughter and she spends a lot of time with a male friend. They work on school projects together. They go to school dances together. She spends more time talking and texting him than any other friend. She insists they are definitely not dating, they’ve never done anything physical, they’re just friends, and a completely platonic relationship is what they both want. You might wonder if that’s really true or if the guy is actually trapped in the Friend Zone, but you probably wouldn’t think it was your place to intervene.
Now imagine you had a son that acted this way. That would bother you more, wouldn’t it? You’d want to say something like: What did I do wrong? Why is he giving all his attention to girls who aren’t romantically interested in him? It’s not like these girls are his girlfriend, he just spends all his time and effort on any girl who asks. Why does he have such a low self-esteem?
Men:Sex :: Women:??
No SAT Verbal analogy pop-quiz here, I’ll just give you the answer.
Women value attention from men, the same way men value sex from women.
Guys like Mike are successful because they’re able to get a lot of females to commit their sexuality, with a minimum investment of their attention. This is ideal for men, but like I said, women are explicitly taught to avoid this situation. They are taught to make their sexuality artificially scarce if necessary. If you bring a girl back to your place and escalate and she shoots you down, it’s not necessarily because she has a better options than you. She’s just been taught that she should only have sex with guys that have cross some threshold of attraction and comfort for her, and you haven’t done that yet.
But unlike women, men are not taught that their time is just as valuable, and they should avoid giving an undeserving women his attention and effort. A man will hold a door open for an attractive woman, and feel good if she smiles at him. He’ll drop $200 on dinner, and feel good if he gets a good night kiss. And, like my friend Tom, he’ll cancel plans with a friend, and feel good he’s kept his schedule open for a girl on the chance she might go out with him.
I’m not saying women are all time-sucking vampires who love taking advantage of men. That’s just as inaccurate as saying men are all sex-crazed beasts who just see women as a vaginal conquest.
But I am saying this: men should have the same standards for giving a woman his attention, as a woman has for giving a man her sexuality.
This is why my friend Tom was ashamed. He was ashamed the same way a woman gets when they respond to a 2AM booty call. The girl is ashamed because she gave up her sexuality, with basically no investment of time or effort on behalf of the guy. Just like canceling plans with a friend because a girl might be free that night, is committing a lot of your time to a girl who is barely giving you any of her sexuality.
You may have heard the term "abundance mentality" before. To summarize it succinctly, it basically means "act like you have a lot of options that demand your attention." Mike operates with an Abundance Mentality because he has abundance. If he knows if he blows off one girl, and she gets pissed off and stops talking to him, he has lots of other girls available as options. Which, ironically, actually makes girls less likely to get pissed off; because occasionally blowing off someone is the signal of a desirable male.
If you’re reading JoshSway.com, you’re probably here because you want more "abundance" in your dating life. You want more options. You want to date more girls, and you want to do so with less attention and effort required. The easiest way to have an abundance mentality is to have actual abundance.
And you’ll get there, eventually. But just because you’re not juggling dating and sleeping with a lot of women, doesn’t mean you can’t operate with an abundance mentality. In all cases, in all situations, you should always respect yourself and your time.
And if you’re struggling trying to figure out how to act like you have a lot of options when you don’t feel like you have many, I’ll tell you how to do just that in a future article.