October 18, 2013 / Move Beyond The Approach
90% of the game, if not more, is played after you approach her
I get it, it’s fun to come up with interesting openers and neat little tricks to start a conversation with a girl. It’s also necessary, because every interaction pretty much begins with an approach, either from you to her, or her to you. Having to count on women approaching you is greatly inefficient so being able to approach women is a crucial and necessary skill. However, it is far from the only skill, and the reality is, way too much time is spent trying to perfect approaching, opening, etc. when what really matters is what happens AFTER the approach.
Approaching is about delivery
One of the key reasons why I encourage you to move beyond finding the best openers and the best ways to approach women is that approaching is more about delivery than content. In other words, too many guys over think approaching women.
Take online dating for instance: I get a response rate writing: "alsdghalsdhgdg" to women as a first e-mail. The reason is my profile is great, so what I write really doesn’t matter as much as where it is coming from. At the bar, I can go up to a girl and say some idiotic thing like: "purple monsters or red dinosaurs" and if I approach her confidently she will likely respond positively. Openers are nice to have if you need a plan, but I assure you the majority of men who are very successful with women don’t use "canned" openers. They know that ensuring the delivery is airtight is what matters. They also know starting the conversation is only a small part of the battle.
Starting the conversation is only a small part of the battle…
When you go out for a night on the town, how many girls do you talk to actually end up actually meeting you for a date. How many end up sleeping with you? Even for the best of us it is a small fraction of those we interact with. I think if you successfully sleep with even 10% of the women you approach in a night, you are among the very best "pick up artists" in the world. I remember overhearing Pick up expert Paul Janka (who is also tall, good looking, and has a Harvard degree) mentioning he maybe sleeps with only 11% of the women whose numbers he gets! That means even if he got the number of EVERY GIRL HE APPROACHED, nearly 90% of the battle would happen later. Naturally, even the best do not get a number from every girl they approach so realistically, even if you are good, maybe 5% of the women you approach end up sleeping with you.
This is the critical point and worth reemphasizing: 90%+ of your success comes after your initial approach. How you interact after the first minute, how you build attraction, how you build comfort, and how you handle logistics and close are all way more correlated to success than simply what you say to get the conversation started.
The 90% is going to determine your success
Don’t get me wrong, you have got to be able to approach women, but always remember, at least 90% of your actual success is going to be determined by the actions you take after you kick off the interaction. The game is played after contact begins, not before. Initial contact just means actually showing up on the court. That matters, but it won’t win you any games.
Can’t even show up to the game? Have issues with approach anxiety? Read our 6 Ways to Combat Approach Anxiety.
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