May 03, 2014 / No, You Can’t Just Ask Questions
A common myth is that dating conversation revolves around just asking her questions. This is nonsense.
You remember the scene below from the 40 Year Old Virgin?
ANDY: "I get nervous and I lock up. I never know what to say."
JAY: "The key is, you don’t say anything. Make them talk."
ANDY: "How do you do that?"
JAY: "Just ask them questions. Girls love talking. Let them."
ANDY: "What if they ask me a question?"
JAY: "Then answer their question with a question."
Sorry guys. No, "just asking questions" is not actually the most optimal way to get girls. Yea, it helps to ask good questions. Yea, girls do like to talk. But no, you can’t "answer their question with a question." and expect to get much, at least not most of the time.
Women want to have conversation, not be interviewed
A main driver of the ask questions advice is the assumption that women like to talk. Yea, of course, women like to talk (so do all people), but they would much prefer to have conversation, not be interviewed. As a matter of fact, many women’s online dating profiles specifically mention "dates that do not feel like interviews" as a positive. getting her talking is good, but interviewing her is bad, and a question driven dating approach is pretty much an interview. Focus on having conversation, as opposed to firing off a list of questions you memorized.
Women want to learn about you also
Dates are not only a chance for you to learn about her, but also a chance for her to learn about you. What do you expect she is going to learn about you if all you do is ask her a bunch of questions? Remember, women are attracted to men who demonstrate high value. It’s quite hard to demonstrate any significant value if you don’t provide any information about yourself other than what she can gather by visually inspecting you.
"So, what are you passionate about?"
Another common myth that spawned out of the "ask question" advice is that you can just ask any old stupid open ended question. This is naturally, nonsense. Open ended questions are generally better than questions which can be answered with a Yes/No, but you would be surprised at how many open ended questions can either be answered with only a few words and lead to no follow up. Furthermore, many open ended questions that can lead to long answers are still pretty dumb. A classic is: "So, what are you passionate about?" Talk about canned, contrived, and unoriginal. You might as well just go ahead and say: "Hi, I’m Josh, and I’m boring and unoriginal."
There are better ways to have conversation
Questions obviously have a place in dating, but do not make asking her a bunch of questions your core dating strategy. There are much better conversation tips you should be focusing on, such as demonstrating intelligence, using identity statements, good conversation topics, and properly calibrating.