October 21, 2013 / Overcoming Advanced Oneitis
If your one-itis simply won't go away, here are some suggestions.
Oneitis (One itis, or One-itis) is crippling
I wrote an introduction to one-itis a little while ago. You can read it here. There I talked about what Oneitis is and what the standard cure is. In this article, I want to discuss how to get over particularly difficult "One itis". Most likely, you believe that your one-itis is a "difficult" one. This is standard, and part of the issue with oneitis; it’s always "something different". Guys giving advice on it always "don’t understand this special situation" etc.
The standard cure for oneitis
I wrote about this already in more detail here, but to quickly recap here is the standard cure for one-itis:
Before you can begin the healing process, you must first accept that your oneitis is not a "special magical oneitis", that this girl is not your "soulmate" (if she was, she would be with you, plus, the whole concept of a soulmate is absurd in my opinion), and that this girl isn’t super unique. There are probably 3.5billion women in the world: the reality is no one is unique.
Once you pass this stage, the standard cure involves these three steps:
1. Go out and meet other girls
2. Stop contacting your one-itis.
3. Give it time for it to go away.
If you haven’t even attempted these three steps, I advise you try these steps first.
When the standard cure for one-itis doesn’t work
Sometimes, one-itis can be crippling for a long period of time. Even if you meet other women, and even if you stop contacting her, for some reason, it simply doesn’t go away. Sometimes, not contacting her is impossible (e.g. a oneitis at work, in class, in your close circle of friends). Generally, there are a few common sticking points which make the standard cure fail for some men. I am going to cover them here and provide some solutions that should help.
1. If you cannot avoid contact (work/class/close circle of friends)
If you cannot avoid contacting your oneitis because she is a co-worker, in your circle of friends, or something similar, you still need to minimize contact with her. Stop shooting the shit with her. Stop texting her or sending her funny e-mails etc. Don’t chat with her on IM during work. You really need to keep the interaction to a minimum, as hard as it is.
2. If you cannot go out and meet other women
If your situation is that you don’t know where or how to meet other women, this is the problem you should be focused on addressing. You can still go out and have a good time with friends or other women while having a major crush on someone else. If that is your sticking point (simply lack of motivation), force yourself! How many times did you not think you would like an activity, got peer pressured into doing it, and then loved it? I bet it happened all the time. I promise you that going out even if you don’t feel like it at the time will have that same effect, especially with friends!
If your problem is that you simply do not know where or how to meet women. Check out some of our dating articles, including 6 ways to approach women, 15 day game openers, and others. It will be very hard to get over one-itis if you do not have options. Knowing that you can meet women will probably make your current oneitis go away on its own! Also, check out articles in the ‘seduction’/’PUA’ community. I would bet many of the men who joined that community and dramatically improved their success with women got involved because of a case of oneitis!
3. If you keep thinking you have a chance
Sometimes, one of the major issues men have is that their "One itis" keeps giving them false sense of hope. This leads them to not follow the standard therapy because they think that they have a chance. The solution to this is may not be the most ‘alpha’ thing to do, but it is necessary: accept defeat. Stop thinking that you have a chance. Stop misinterpreting everything she does as a sign of interest. If you made a move, if your intentions were clear, and it didn’t work out, it is very unlikely it will work out, and even if it did, the only way to make it happen is to stop showing interest anyways. This means not responding to her texts, not taking the bait when she suggests getting together or whatever (you already know that she’ll come up with some excuse and it won’t happen like the past 20 times!). Stop thinking you can turn her, and proceed with the standard cure.
4. If you minimized communication, are meeting other women, but you still can’t shake the oneitis.
In general, you just need to continue the standard therapy and just give it more time. However, here are some other things you can try if you haven’t done them already.
a. Pick up a hobby — Get busier by picking up a hobby. Check out our hobby cheat sheat here. I’m using hobby generally here; focus on school, work, or whatever else you want to improve in your life. Improving who you are will improve your chances with women.
b. Join the ‘seduction’ community — sometimes, one, or two, or three guys telling you to just get over her is not enough and you need to hear it from 100 guys. The seduction community (PUA/etc.) gets a bad rap, some deserved, but much of it undeserved.
c. Watch Swingers — If there is a single movie about oneitis that I recommend (generally, I do NOT recommend using anything from hollywood for dating/relationship advice), it is Swingers!
d. Delete her number, facebook, everything, even end friendship — I normally do not recommend this because it appears needy and could have implications if the one-itis is a friend/etc. if you are still struggling after many months, do it. Forget about the friendship implications if they are a friend, you need to cut them off completely as you cannot have a normal friendship with a woman you are obsessed with romantically.
e. Seek professional assistance — I normally do not recommend this, but a good dating coach or a psychologist could help if it has been a really long time and you are doing everything else. I probably prefer the dating coach angle because they will force you to go out even more than you already are which is a much better cure than just talking about it with a psychologist.
At the end of the day, the standard cure is usually the cure that works. Even much of my advice for the ‘special’ cases are just ways to make it easier to follow the standard cure or how to adapt the standard cure to the friend situation. So before you get too crazy, try the standard cure, and don’t forget to give it time!
Have a unique oneitis situation? I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT: E-mail me: email@example.com.