January 28, 2015 / Persistence Without Neediness
You don't want to be needy, but that doesn't mean giving up at the first sign of resistance.
The other day, I was out on a date with a girl I met online. I met her at my standard first date location and while the date was going well, she rejected my initial proposal to head out and come up to my place to hear me play guitar. Her response was something along the lines of "maybe some other time, it’s getting kind of late". Many men give up at this point. It’s hard to blame them, because they got an answer that was pretty straightforward. Pushing further also risks entering the realm of begging and neediness which you should avoid at all costs. However, I managed to get this girl back to my place. How did I do it? The answer is persistence without neediness.
Being Persistent Doesn’t Have to Mean Being Needy
Before I cover the specific steps I took to turn the rejection of my initial overture into success, I want to cover the basic principle that led to the success. That principle is persistence without neediness and pushiness. Being persistent is not a bad thing on it’s own. What’s bad about persistence is when you do it in a needy manner, a pushy manner, or in the worst case, an inappropriate manner. Hopefully it should go without saying, you should never even consider using any form of physical intimidation or force as your "persistence."
So how does one avoid coming off as needy or pushy when trying to be persistent? The "secret" is two-fold. First of all, you must be offering something of value. This should theoretically be time hanging out with you, but you may have to offer something a little more concrete such as, in my case, a private guitar concert. Secondly, you must present your proposal as an option for her, not a wish of your own. You aren’t asking her to come up because you are desperate to keep hanging out with her, you as asking her to come up because you want to give her an option of doing something fun before she goes to bed for the night. (Is it not night time when this is happening to you? Well then, stop doing day dates!)
If you can frame your proposals in that manner, you will encounter less rejection, and you will also set the stage for persistence to actually have a chance in succeeding. It also makes it easier to be persistent. Here’s a concrete example:
Turning the Tables
So, if I think a date is going well, I will often propose hanging out at my place before actually getting the check and closing out. This is by design: if I am rejected it gives me an opportunity to continue hanging out at the bar (maybe she will change her mind) or an opportunity to propose something again when we are on the way out. It’s much harder to ask again if you get rejected while already outside and near your place. In this instance, my suggestion was met with rejection.
The next step for me at this stage was to show her that there was going to be no awkwardness going forward. I did that by saying: "Cool no prob, you are right, it is a little later than I thought." And proceeded to ask for the check while continuing our conversation. I took my time paying the bill (yes, I pay for first dates, and you should also) so we could talk a little more and then we proceeded out. This particular venue has two exits; I deliberately chose an exit closer to my place and also one with less likelihood of a cab being immediately available. This would give me another opportunity to ask.
How did I ask? Initially I looked around as if to see if there were any cabs. When there weren’t any, she commented on the lack of cabs, and I followed it up with: "Looks like the cabs are trying to tell you something…". She laughed and then asked if I purposefully made all the cabs disappear around this time. My response was: "Sadly, I don’t have any connections with the taxicab companies, but I do have some good red wine to go with the guitar..then again, I’m actually kinda tired." (Note the ‘false time constraint’ used at the end: I’m actually kinda tired is by design to make her think that she is only coming up for a little bit, addressing potential "anti-slut defense")
"Oh yea, what wine?…"