March 24, 2015 / Principles To Follow For An Abundance Mentality
How to make sure you're only giving your attention to women that deserve it.
In my last post I discussed how all men need to make sure they’re respecting their time, and value it as much as women value their sexuality. At the end of the article I mentioned the abundance mentality, which is essentially acting as a highly-demanded individual who has a lot of options. Clearly the best way to adopt an abundance mentality is to actually have abundance. If you have a successful and demanding career, a rich social life, and interesting hobbies, you’ll rarely have to worry about giving up too much of your time to any single girl. You’re just doing too much cool shit to fall into that trap.
But what if you’re not quite there yet? It’s easy for guys to be interested in a single girl, and because they don’t have any other options at the time, they fall all over themselves giving her time and attention she doesn’t deserve. Sometimes guys even eliminate options, like my friend Tom did with me, just to clear up even more time to spend on a girl. Clearly, this is something you want to make sure you avoid. So here are some principles that will ensure you’re operating in an abundance mentality, even if your life isn’t feeling particularly abundant at the time. As they say: "fake it till you make it."
1. Make Her Earn Your Weekends
I learned about this from my friend Ken awhile ago:
"I have better things to do with my weekends than to buy dinner for a girl I don’t know."
Ken simply refuses to go on a first date with a girl on a Friday or Saturday night. All his first dates are always on a weekday evening. If she’s available, great. If he’s only free on weekends, then it just doesn’t work and he moves on.
This is an especially good principle of you’re into online dating. The likelihood of a girl flaking out on a first date is higher, and while there are things you can do to mitigate that, it can still happen. Inevitably, at some point you’re going to get a text at 6pm on Saturday that says something like this: "Hey Trent, something came up, I can’t make it. Sorry!" Yeah girl, that chagrinning emoji is really making me feel better about this. For Ken, it’s easier to just avoid dates on Saturday nights than to deal with that kind of aggravation.
I know Josh would say a "no weekends for first dates" is too severe, especially if you’re a young professional looking to date other young professionals. It can be tough to match schedules on a "school night," and a weekday date is more likely to end early, and with bad logistics for asking her back to your place. But just realize when you commit to a Friday or Saturday night with a girl, you’re spending part of your weekend, and that shouldn’t be done lightly. So only spend it with girls you’re excited about, and those who won’t waste your time.
2. Spend Your Free Time Producing and Improving, Not Consuming
I can sum this up in three words: ditch the screens.
Reddit, Facebook, and Youtube aren’t going anywhere. Most of us already spend over half our day starting at a screen, whether it’s our computer at work or our smartphone while we’re taking a shit. Then we go home, and watch some TV shows on our DVR or some dumb videos on Youtube. Some of us then play videogames, and spend so much time in front of a screen it becomes a poisonous virtual world we depend on for an escape.
Youtube videos and videogames are examples of consumption hobbies. You are consuming content. You’re not producing or improving anything. Not everything you do with a screen is consumption. I’m on a computer right now, but I’m writing this article, and then I’m going to open up Photoshop and enhance the graphic for this article, and I’ll post it. Boom — the world wide web now manifests a page that had not yet existed before, all because of me.
I’m not saying this because I have some inflated sense of self-importance. Look, all I did was write a blog entry. Not a big fucking deal… in isolation. But if you spend your free time producing and improving, then you realize your free time isn’t really "free." There’s an opportunity cost to your time. I know too many guys who go out on dates with mediocre girls, and then tell me something like: "yeah, it wasn’t a great date, but I guess it was better than being bored." Seriously!? That’s your standard? You have nothing better to do with your time than to spend it with a girl you’re not even that excited about?
Don’t be like those guys. You should feel like your time should have an opportunity cost, and evaluate girls based on that. It’s easy for a girl to be more interesting than watching Youtube videos, but you should have a higher standard than that. And when you spend less of your free time in front of screens, and more of it doing and making things, then it’s easy to have that standard.
3 When Evaluation Situations, Swap "Time" For "Sex"
Some women are "time vampires." They’ll seem interested, they’ll reciprocate your interest, but they’ll make you jump through all sorts of hoops along the way. You should avoid these women like the plague.
You will sometimes date women, who make it clearly (usually covertly, but sometimes overtly) that she expects a large commitment of your time and effort (and indirectly, money) before she opens up sexually. You may be conditioned to think this is okay. Frustrating, maybe, but you may rationalize that "she’s worth it," and it’s "superficial" to rule out dating girls who wait a long time to have sex.
This is a mistake.
Why? Because you’re no better than the girl who only sees Mike when he sends her a 2AM booty text, after he’s exhausted all his other options. So she comes over, Mike has sex with her from 2:30AM to 4:00AM, and then tells her she should go and by the way, throw the used condoms in the trash on the way out. Is that a girl who respects herself and her sexuality?
Mike has a deal with that girl, and it goes something like this: "You give me a bunch of sex, and I give you zero time and attention. Deal?"
Sounds like a pretty bad deal for the girl, right? So then why are you accepting deals that sound like this:
"You give me a bunch of time and attention, and I give you zero sex. Deal?"
Turn down those deals. You can do better.
Achieving Actual Abundance
The opposite of abundance is scarcity. Acting with an abundance mentality means projecting scarcity. Scarcity is a well-known concept in economics. It’s why commercials advertise things are available "only for a limited time", or why companies only manufacture so many gadgets, or why clubs keep a line out the door even if they’re not that full. It’s all different versions of projecting scarcity, which makes them seem more valuable.
You can and should act with an abundance mentality and project scarcity, and hopefully this article has given you some guidelines to do so. But realize most valuable economic products are those that are actually scarce. While some people will see through an advertising gimmick that projects scarcity, there is no gimmick with an actually scarce item.
And this is what you want to work towards. You can and should artificially wait two days before you call a girl, even if you’re not particularly busy. But it’s even better when you get yourself in a position where you don’t call a girl for two days because you were legitimately busy, with other girls or otherwise, during those two days. You’re no longer "acting" with an abundance mentality, you simply have an abundance mentality, because you have actual abundance.