Josh Sway
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/ She's Not Actually Attracted to Assholes

She is, however, attracted to inconsiderate jerks.


Today I want to talk about “assholes.” You know the type, or at least you think you do. “Mike is such an asshole to Becca. She made these great plans to cook dinner for him, and he completely forgot and showed up two hours late.” You’ve heard these things from Becca’s friends, or maybe from Becca herself, in between her telling you how much your friendship “means to her.” When I was younger I spent a lot of time as a nice guy, and I had many conversations with many Rebeccas about many Mikes. And I agreed; Mike was an asshole. Who wants to be an asshole? I didn’t. But Mike was the guy dating and fucking girls like Becca and I wasn’t. Once you, like I did, realize that listening to a girl complain about her boyfriend are Companion or Provider behaviors that are just locking you into the Friend Zone, you modify your behavior pretty quickly. “All right,” you say, “no more shoulder to cry on. If assholes are the guys that get the girls, I’m gonna start acting like an asshole.” Your resolve sounds great at the time, but quickly leads to confusion. Because what the hell does that even mean? How does one "start acting like an asshole"? This is probably one of the most wildly misunderstood concepts in the theory of attraction, but also one of the most important. So let’s dig into it.  

Asshole is the Wrong Word

This is where the confusion first arises. Think of the times you’ve said, “goddamn, what an asshole.” A driver cut you off on the road. Some guy keeps talking in the movie theater. Your boss makes you work during the weekend even though you asked for time off. Yes, they’re assholes. That’s because they actively engaged in what most people would consider asshole behavior. They are actively did something. They cut you off, they keep talking, you make you come into work when you don’t want. Their existence and behavior is making your life worse, and they are actively aware of it. These are the real assholes in life. And this is what you need to realize: Mike isn’t acting like an asshole when he stands up Becca on their date. Inconsiderate? Yeah. Rude? Sure. But an asshole? Was he deliberately doing anything, like that dipshit driver who cut you off on the road?   No, he wasn’t. Yeah, he showed up late, and that hurt Becca’s feelings. But Mike wasn’t late intentionally. He just forgot. He wasn’t actively trying to be an asshole to Rebecca. Which means he’s not really being an asshole. This is the first thing you need to understand if you’re saying things like, “I’m going to start acting like an asshole.” Becca is attracted to Mike, but it’s not because women like being actively treated like shit.  But Mike isn’t actively treating her like shit. He’s passively treating her like shit. But that makes all the difference. And unfortunately for Mr. Nice Guy, this is why everything he’s been doing is wrong.  

Why Mike’s Behavior is Attractive

So it’s not accurate to say women are attracted to “assholes.” But they seem to be attracted to guys that act inconsiderate. But why? Because in everyone’s formative years, the same pattern images. If Mike was “cool” in his younger years, if he was considered cute and was on the varsity football team, he probably had a number of girls interested in him. He’d hear through the grapevine in study hall, “Hey, I talked to Amanda who talked to Rachel who talked to Kristy, that Melissa thinks you’re hot.” So at some point, Mike has to filter. He can’t go out with every girl attracted to him, that would be exhausting and take up a lot of time. And he has other things he has to do, like go to football practice. So he filters. He dates only the cute girls. The girls that aren’t as cute, he doesn’t reject them. None of those girls are actually approaching Mike, so he doesn’t have to. He just, well, ignores them. Not deliberately, and not in a mean way. A geeky girl in Mike’s bio class might send him an ‘admirer note’ on Valentine’s Day. He’ll just tell her, “hey, thanks for the note.” And that’s it. He’s being not being mean, he’s not making fun of her, he’s not acting like Paul Walker in “She’s All That.” And even the girls Mike likes, he doesn’t wait hand and foot on. Like I said, he has a lot of things to do, and a lot of friends to hang out with. So even the girls he likes, he takes awhile before responding to their texts, not because of some calculated move, but because he’s just simply too busy to text them back immediately. Sometimes girls get annoyed at Mike when he does this, and they tell him as much. He isn’t happy when this happens, but he knows he wasn’t doing it on purpose. He also knows that for every girl that gets pissed off by his inconsiderate behavior, he has several other girls who are still texting him. So when some of these girls do get annoyed at him, he doesn't fall all over himself apologizing.  He’s not all that bothered when this happens, so he keeps doing it. And this the association that most women draw in their formative years. “High value male” and “limited attention” is the correlation that women draw. A high value male has a lot of shit going on and a lot of people demanding his attention. If you want to date him, you have to compete for that attention. And sometimes Mike will be inconsiderate to the girl he’s seeing, and she’ll lose that competition. And while she’s not happy when that happens, she’s already internalized that this is what is supposed to happen with cool guys like Mike. Mike’s inconsiderate behavior isn’t a turn-off for women. It’s a reinforcement of everything women have learned since they were young teenagers.  

Not Being Like Mike

A while ago I wrote an article about negging, and how the goal was to challenge, not to insult. Unfortunately, a lot of guys don’t understand this. They literally think, “act like an asshole to girls, and they will like you.” Even worse, they act like an asshole right at the beginning, literally approaching women at a bar or a party and opening with some line like, “You’d look better if you lost twenty pounds.” And then after they’ve been shot down every single time, they complain that “negging doesn’t work” and everything about seduction theory is a scam and must only works on girls with low self-esteem, if it works at all. This is asinine. Does Mike tell girls they need to lose weight right after he meets them? No. Let’s go back to Becca, the girl Mike almost stood up earlier. Mike comes over two hours late, mumbles an apology, which Becca accepts prior to having lots of mind-blowing sex with him. Becca decides to go for a more direct approach next time.  Next week, she sends him several sexts, and then says, “if you want more of this, you should come over tonight.” Mike doesn’t get the text for several hours because he’s busy doing other things, and when he does see it, he smirks and replies: “Maybe after I meet my buddy at the gym. There is a cool step class here, you should check it out.” Think about all the subtext here. He’s not committing to coming over. He’s prioritizing his friend above her. And he’s implying she should work out. If he doesn’t come over, the girl may think she’s an asshole. She’ll call her Nice Guy friend the next day and complain, “I sent him all these sexy pictures of me and he didn’t even care.” And the Nice Guy will say, “Mike’s an asshole, any guy who does that doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.” But Mike does know what he’s missing out on, which is why he chose to miss out on this! He knows this, and the girl knows he knows this! This is why she continues to be attracted to him: if Mike was the kind of guy that dropped everything just to see a girl, then he wouldn’t be Mike.  

The Other Half of the Equation

This is why saying “no more Mr. Nice Guy” is all well in good, but it’s pointless to follow that up with, “I’m going to start acting like an asshole."  Acting like a legitimate asshole is not attractive to anyone.  If you initiate your interactions with women by being mean and insulting, you're going to get rejected 100% of the time. However, that doesn't mean you should be saying "I'm going to start acting inconsiderate and aloof," either.  Being aloof or even inconsiderate will reinforce the idea that you have high value, but it won’t create the idea. You need to build up a certain level of attraction first. Mike is good-looking, athletic, and gregarious, so he doesn’t have to work very hard to build that attraction. Unfortunately you do have to put in that work, and you need to do it before being aloof or inconsiderate will make any positive impact on the girl. I'm sure a lot of you didn't like the idea of being an asshole anyway, but having to act like an inconsiderate jerk doesn't sit well with you either. The good news is that I don't think it's a good idea to ever act inconsiderate. Dating a girl shouldn't be weaving this manipulative game, where you deliberately select key times to anger or disappoint her. There are perfectly reasonable ways to act that will have you staying true to yourself, while also reinforcing you're a high value dude whose attention she'll have to compete for. What are they?  I'll discuss them next week.



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