Josh Sway
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/ Stop Asking And Start Telling

Asking too many questions is beta, instead, start saying what you want.


In a previous article I wrote about 5 ways you can start acting alpha, I mentioned you should stop asking for permission. I want to expand on this point here, because the truth is, not only should you stop asking for permission, you should stop asking, period, and start telling! I don’t mean literally, and in every situation, but most beta men (my former self included) generally ask too many questions and make too little assertions, especially when it comes to dating!

Asking is beta

While you cannot avoid asking questions, the reality is, asking questions is "beta behavior". When you ask a question you are exhibiting many beta traits, for example: lack of confidence, lack of aggression, uncertainty, indecisiveness, lack of creativity, and lack of knowledge. Questions such as "I don’t know, what do you want to do?" embody this point, despite being so common. Until you are dating a girl, or at least having sex with her, I would suggest avoiding a question of that form like the plague. Words like "I don’t know" are beta, "what do you want" is needy, and the combination believe it or not, spews desperation.

Note that asking questions isn’t just beta when it comes to dating, it is often beta in other aspects of your life as well. I know your teachers told you their are no dumb questions but they are wrong. Asking stupid questions at work will show lack of confidence and potentially lack of ability. No boss wants to answer a bunch of dumb questions that you are only asking because you want to be super super super sure you are doing things right instead of only "super super sure". If you are going to ask a question in school or in the work environment, make damn sure you’ve thought about things first and that your question has real substance. Otherwise, you are making the same mistake you would be making when you ask a girl out with: "I don’t know, what do you want to do?"

Telling is alpha

Just like asking is beta, telling is alpha. When you assert yourself and say what you think, propose what you think, and/or suggest what you think, you are demonstrating alpha traits. You are demonstrating assertiveness, confidence, decisiveness, creativity, confidence, aggression, and knowledge. Women respond way better to: "How about we meet at XYZ Lounge at 8pm, it’s a really fun spot!" than to: "What do you want to do?". For example, I’ve had multiple women express how "sexy" it was that I proposed a date, time and place all in one text message! That is how powerful "telling" can be.

Telling is also powerful in the real world. Ever get dicked around talking to your cable company about a mistake in the bill? Instead of asking a bunch of questions, try telling them what you want them to do. See how much more effective it is. It’s also effective in the work environment. Propose solutions as opposed to ask questions.

Don’t be an asshole

The biggest risk with being a "teller" versus an "asker" is the risk of coming off as an asshole or arrogant prick. You should learn how to manage this by telling in polite ways, and/or telling by "suggestion" as opposed to by issuing commands. For example, if you are concerned that texting something like: "meet me at XYZ at 8pm" comes off too "assholeish", try: "How about we meet at XYZ at 8pm, it’s a really fun spot!" No sane person will possibly think you are an asshole making a proposal like that.

In the non-dating world it’s the same way. Make suggestions instead of making demands. It will have a similar impact without risk of appearing like an asshole. Another nice trick is to ask questions that are really suggestions. For example: "Perhaps we should do XYZ, what do you think?" You are asking a question, but really, you are making a suggestion and challenging the other person to either come up with a better idea or go with your proposal. It’s much more telling than it is asking.

Be reasonable

This article should be especially helpful if you are too passive in conversation and too passive in getting what you want. Not ever point of conversation has a logistical end (the scenarios where telling versus asking work best), so it doesn’t make sense to never ask questions. For instance, while dating, you will want to ask women questions so they can talk about themselves and so you can learn about them. A simple non dating example would be asking questions in class. Don’t be that tool who asks questions you already know the answer to and don’t be the guy who asks a dumb question where if they just thought 3 seconds about it they would answer it themselves, but if genuinely need to ask a question, ask it!





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