October 29, 2013 / Stop Deciding For Her
Instead of deciding why she won't do something, give her the option to decide for herself!
"Deciding for her" is something that I see men do ALL the time and unfortunately, it is often a costly dating mistake. What I am talking about is this: You meet a girl who comes off as conservative. At the same time, you are getting serious signs of interest (IOIs) from her. She is touchy-feely, laughs at your stupid jokes, and finds every excuse to get closer to you. However, because she gave off a "conservative" vibe you fail to escalate much further and you just bid her goodnight with a farewell kiss, if that. Your logic was that "she didn’t come off as that kind of girl who would go for much more" or something similar.
As we wrote about in our 3 Common Mistakes article, not escalating enough is one of the biggest mistakes men make all the time. "Deciding for her" is perhaps not escalating enough’s most common manifestation. Guys: STOP DOING IT.
Deciding for her is arrogant and counterproductive
Deciding for your date whether or not she is willing to go any further is not only counterproductive, it is also arrogant. Yes, it is arrogant. Who are you to decide for her whether or not she is willing to kiss you or go back to your place (as an example)? Why would you make assumptions about her that are potentially contrary to all the indicators of interest you are getting on your date? I believe the main reason men don’t escalate due to some arbitrary assumption about their date is fear of rejection (this is classic phase 3 fear of rejection, you can read about the phases here). So, stop being afraid of rejection, stop deciding for her, and always think of your escalation approach as "giving her the option".
Giving her the option is the way to go
Instead of concluding (perhaps correctly but that is irrelevant) that your date is too this or too that for escalation, think about an escalation as giving her the option. This should make you much more comfortable in terms of fear of rejection issues and lead you to doing the right thing in just about every dating situation, ESCALATE!
Here are 4 common situations where you should be escalating anyway
1. She is very religious
One really common excuse men make to not escalate is "she comes from a very religious/conservative family" or "she is very religious/conservative". While religious conservatism is probably correlated to less likelihood of agreeing to sex or physical intimacy early on, it is not always the case. Furthermore, there is absolutely no downside in making the proposition. If a woman likes you she is not going to be turned off if you try to escalate. That almost NEVER happens.
2. She has to wake up early the next day
It’s true that a woman bringing that up sometimes means she isn’t interested or is trying to setup an excuse to not come over/end the date. However, often times, women set this up early on before they have made up their mind about you. It isn’t nearly a strong enough indicator of disinterest that you should not escalate if you think you can. Use the rest of her indicators of interest as reasons to escalate, don’t just grasp this one as a reason not to.
3. She is inexperienced
So what? Give her the option of getting experience. If you like her, wouldn’t you rather she get experience from you rather than someone else?
4. I am afraid of ruining our friendship / friendzone issues
This one is very common and also a big mistake. The reality is, if you want a romantic relationship with a friend, you HAVE to escalate. If you think that you can just keep being passive and eventually your friend will profess her love for you, I got news for you: it won’t work. That approach will ensure you stay in the friendzone. You have got to make the move and take the relationship to the next level. If you get rejected, it will be awkward, but it won’t be as bad as you think.
The bottom line here is stick to the basic blueprint of success with women which is to escalate. The only good excuses to stop escalation is if your date is not comfortable with your escalation which should really only be the case late in the process anyway once you are already physically intimate.