December 01, 2013 / Taking It Slow Is A Bad Strategy
It may seem counterintuitive, but even if you want to make a girl your girlfriend, you should not "take it slow".
I used to be in the camp that you should have a different dating approach with a girl you want to just sleep with versus a girl with whom you want a long term relationship. I would be more cautious and take it slower with the girl I wanted to date, whereas I would rapidly and aggressively escalate with the girls I wanted to just sleep with.
What was the end result? The end result was that I was far more successful getting the girls I wanted to sleep with to sleep with me and very poor at getting the girls I actually wanted to date. I missed out on probably dozens of women I would have dated because I "took it slow". I am writing this article to implore you as men not to make this mistake.
I know it sounds intuitive to take it slow with a woman you really want to date, versus one you just want to bang but it is wrong. Even worse, this myth is constantly perpetuated on dating forums, traditional dating advice columns, Hollywood movies, and by many so called dating experts.
But as hard as it is to believe, moving slowly is always very bad dating strategy for men. I’m going to explain why here.
Women become attached after sex
To help you understand why taking it slow is such a bad strategy for dating (as a man), you need to understand why women (say they) want to "take it slow". The reason women want to take it slow is because the vast majority of women get attached after sex. This is a evolutionary programmed response from women; it is, for the most part, out of their control.
Most women are highly attuned to the fact they will get attached after sex, so in an effort to leave their options open and spare themselves the potentially devastating experience of becoming attached to a guy who then loses interest, they will want to take it slow. Taking it slow accomplishes two main things for women.
- It lets them date around more and explore their options without the overhang of their attachment to the guy they slept with.
- It helps protect them from guys just looking to sleep with them and never call them again.
Their logic on the last part is that if a guy is interested in more than just sex, he will put in more time and effort to "prove" he isn’t just looking for a quick lay (if he was, he would just give up after a date or two).
If you like her, you want her to become attached!
Now herein lies the rub: if you like her, especially if you like her, you want her to become attached to you. You do not want her to "keep her options open." And, as women themselves know, the best way to make a woman attached to you is to have sex with her! Sleeping with her puts you above all the other guys she is potentially interested in because you have her programmed response to sex working in your favor. The sooner you do it, the less likely another man will do it before you, and the more likely she will become attached to you and not someone else!
You do still have to contend with point number 2 which is her belief that if you don’t take it slow you may only want sex but this concern is easily alleviated by demonstrating that your escalation and quick movement is more because you also want sex in addition to a relationship (why wouldn’t you, you think she is super attractive and think there is great chemistry) not because it is your primary goal.
Being sexual and making bold moves is a turn on
Besides taking advantage of the natural response in women to sex, escalating aggressively is often a turn on. Women are unlikely to be turned off if you touch them, make strong eye contact, kiss them, etc. If she is uncomfortable, she will simply tell you so or indicate such and then you stop with the escalation.
You may worry that if you go too fast for her and she has to tell you to slow down, she will be turned off and you will have missed your chance. This is almost never the case. If you are needy and pushy, she will be turned off, but that is due to your attitude and behavior not due to you wanting more intimacy.
That last point is important: being needy and pushy is not a good strategy. Do not confuse being pushy if she turns down an escalation attempt as being aggressive. For example…
- Escalation: "Hey, how about a low key night, bring over a bottle wine and we’ll order in some dinner and watch a movie."
- Needy/Pushy: "C’mon, why don’t you want to come over? I think you should come over tonight. Do you not like me?"
Moving slow is a turn off
Conversely, moving too slow sexually is often a turn off. If you fail to escalate sexually, women can only draw two conclusions:
- You lack confidence (either in the bedroom or in general), which is unattractive.
- You’re not really that into her, so she’ll convince herself she’s not that into you either.
What she won’t think, contrary to what every crappy Hollywood romantic comedy would have you believe, is this:
- You are a chivalrous gentleman who knows how to treat a woman right.
This is why you must show interest in them not just on an emotional level, but also a sexual level, as both of those are critical components of a relationship.
Time is uncertainty
Another problem with taking it slow is just the sheer time. By definiton, taking it slow consumes more time than escalating quickly. Time leads to uncertainty, and uncertainty is almost never in your favor. The longer you wait to escalate, the more likely something like this can happen:
- Another guy enters the picture.
- She gets extremely busy at school or work and decides "she’s too busy to date."
- Her best friends break up with their boyfriends and she decides it’ll be fun for them to all be single and party.
- She simply changes her mind about you.
Should you ever take it slow?
TVJ wrote a two part series on why you shouldn’t play the long game, which echoes a lot of what I said here. But he also wrote about some exceptions. In those cases, "taking it slow" may be your best choice, because your alternative is not taking it anywhere.
But with all that said, I don’t want you to think you are doomed if you do not have sex on the first date. If you escalate but encounter LMR you can’t overcome, that’s okay; just set up another date and continue to escalate. You can’t always have sex on the first date, but you should always want to have sex on the first date, even if you’re really into the girl and want a relationship. Especially if you’re really into the girl.
So stop trying to convince yourself that "taking it slow" is appropriate and stop taking these unnecessary risks. Start moving fast, not slow.