September 24, 2013 / The 3 C’s of Pickup: Congruence
Read more about Congruence, one of the 3 C's of Pickup
In my article, The 3 C’s of Pickup, I discussed three critical concepts that are vital to being successful with women. They were congruence, calibration, and confidence. In this article, I want to focus more on the first one; congruence.
Congruence in mathematics is generally used to mean identical. In pick-up, congruence is about being consistent. Perhaps consistency is the better choice of ‘C’ word for the term but I didn’t invent the terms so I will stick to calling it Congruence. Congruence is the idea that you must behave in a generally consistent matter when interacting with women. Women are experts at detecting inconsistencies in behavior and certain inconsistencies can be devastating to your chances. For example, a girl might have been attracted to you because of your witty approach, but if you do not continue to demonstrate a quick wit she may quickly write her initial attraction off as a fluke.
Congruence is also incredibly important in online dating. In online dating, your profile divulges a lot of potential information about you and paints you in a certain way. If you do not behave as one would expect from your profile, it will likely be very detrimental to your chances of having a successful date.
All I have said so far is relatively straightforward, and it should be. The real difficulty with the concept of congruence is determining what message you are sending and what actions will be congruent or in-congruent with that message. It is also important to know what mixed signals are OK and when to use them. This is what truly makes the concept of congruence tricky. For example, when showing interest in a woman, the principle of congruence does not apply; you want to calibrate (another one of the 3 C’s) your interest level according to her interest in order to not appear to needy or not appear “too good for her”.
Here are a few simple guidelines to help you understand how to better apply congruence in practice:
Congruence is highly applicable for personality traits. Multiple personality disorder is not particularly attractive, in general. If you sent a message that you have a vibrant personality, acting like a total bore will quickly make a woman lose interest. Similarly, if you attracted a woman with your thoughtfulness and seriousness, turning into a total goofball could ruin the attraction.
Congruence is highly applicable to lifestyle. If you live a certain lifestyle, it is best to attract women without completely misrepresenting your lifestyle. For example, don’t come off as a hot shot at the club blowing money on bottles if that is not who you are. You might be able to get away with it for a one night stand, but if you attract women based on an attractive lifestyle that isn’t actually your lifestyle, they will find out soon enough and lose interest. Similarly, don’t talk about how you are a successful career man and then act cheap on a date trying to get your date to pay for your $10 drink or something like that. That isn’t congruent with being successful and it will turn women off.
Congruence is less applicable in the short term. You will notice that guidelines 1 and 2 both related to very “big” long term things, such as your personality and lifestyle. These are two defining components of who you are as a person. In the short term, when it comes to “little” things, congruence is less important. I already gave one example of this earlier: you do not have to be consistent in your demonstration of interest in a woman. If she expresses a lot of interest, you may want to reciprocate and escalate physically. However, if she expresses a bit of coolness towards you, you may want to dial down your enthusiasm with her to not appear too needy and “try hard”.
Short term emotional displays also do not need to be congruent. It’s ok to be funny one minute and more serious the next in conversation. Note this is NOT what Guideline 1 is referring to. Guideline 1 is bigger than that, referring to your essence and your entire set of actions over a long period of time (for example, a long date, or even a few dates). What you say from one word to the next or one conversation topic to the next does not need to demonstrate congruence all the time.
I hope this article helped clarify the meaning of congruence and how it is best used. While “fake it till you make it” is a very effective tool when starting your journey with women, the bottom line is, long term, don’t be someone you are not. If you want to be someone you are not, focus on becoming that someone as opposed to faking it, you will have much better success that way because, amongst other things, women will not detect a lack of congruence.