I have to admit, I debated whether or not I should write this article as its contents do not provide much comfort. But Josh Sway is a site about dating and relationships, and when it comes to dating and relationships, it's not always good. One of the areas I pride myself (and my partner TVJ) is on our willingness to tell it (like we think) it is. We try not to sugar coat things here, and we try to give you real honest information, not just pep-talks. This is one of those articles: an expose on a hard, bitter to swallow truth: the "butterflies" effect.
What is the butterflies effect?
Ever been on a date that you thought was going really well but didn't get a second date? Now, often times, you didn't get a second date because the date didn't go as well as you thought
, but what if it really did. You've engaged her well, you are laughing, there's kino; maybe you even made out at the end of the date. Hell,maybe you had her over and fooled around. But yet, you didn't get a second date. The likely culprit is the "butterflies" effect.
The butterflies effect is the reason you didn't get that second date when it was going so well. It is that "butterflies" feeling in the stomach that you get when you meet a girl you really like, except this time, it's working against you, because it's the feeling that she didn't get
despite everything being perfect on paper. And some women simply "need" that feeling to move forward with a guy. They need to get "butterflies in their stomach" and if they don't, it doesn't matter that you made her laugh, have everything she is looking for on paper, are objectively attractive, and even fooled around with her: the "butterflies" weren't there for her.
Can you combat the butterflies effect?
As you may suspect, combating girls who suffer from the "butterflies" effect is extremely difficult. In general, you cannot do much about it, but if it is a girl in your social circle, or a girl you know you will see and hang out with again and again, you may have a greater than 0% chance of success by Playing The Long Game
. TVJ and I both advocate against that in general
, but if you lost out with strong game from the beginning due to the butterflies effect, you don't have another option. You'll need to be that guy who "grows on her",
Is there a way to tell if she'll be a "butterflies" type girl?
Apart from playing the long game if that is even an option, there isn't much you can do to combat the butterflies effect. However, there are some subtle signs women give off that may suggest you are about to get "butterflied". The two main ones are her looks focus and avoidance of sensual touch.
1. She is looks focused
In general, "butterflies" effect girls are very looks focused. Looks is a higher priority to them than it is to many other girls. If you get your shot at a girl who you know has generally only been out with really good looking guys, there's a good chance she is a "butterflier".
2. She avoid sensual touch
Naturally, if there is no kino your chances are low with just about any girl, not just "butterfliers", but often times, a "butterflier" will reciprocate kino. This is because despite the lack of butterflies, it's not that they aren't having a good time with you. But it is not enough for them. One way to tell is by analyzing the level of kino more subtly. Are they reciprocating touch but not in a romantic way. An example would be putting their hand on your thigh for a brief moment vs a hand hold exchange at the table that lasts for several seconds.
You are bound to run into "butterfliers"
It sucks to not get a second date with a girl you are really into and who seemed really into you. However, the reality is it happens, and the more you date, the more it will happen. Often, there is a lesson learned; you can improve your game to prevent it from happening. But sometimes, you've done nothing wrong: you've ran into a "butterflier" and the butterflies weren't there. Know that it happens, and move on with your head held high.