November 19, 2013 / The Dating Feedback Loop
Dating is not linear, it works much more like described in here.
One of the biggest difficulties men have with dating is their inability to calibrate. A lot of this difficulty stems from a failure to understand that dating is not a linear process but a much more involved flow chart that doubles back on itself, loops about, and jumps around. In this article I want to help you untangle what I like to call the dating feedback loop.
The components of the dating feedback loop
The main components of the dating feedback loop which I will use to build a simplified dating flow chart are:
There are several actions that I will use in the flow chart built in this page. They are
b. Distance (Distancing yourself, as a sign of disinterest)
c. End Date
d. Bounce (move to another venue)
Reactions are predominantly Indicators of Interest (IOIs) and Indicators of disinterest (IODs). You can read about some common IOIs here.
The basic dating algorithm
The basic dating algorithm is actually quite simple, but it is not linear. The idea is to show interest (Escalate) when you receive interest (IOIs) and to distance yourself (Distance) when you receive indicators of disinterest (IODs). This is very similar to the "push-pull" theory you may be familiar with (pull her in by showing interest and then push her away by showing disinterest) but it is more structured: We aren’t just randomly going from hot to cold, we are using calibration to go from hot to cold at the "right" times.
Complicating the model
The simple dating algorithm is simple enough but it doesn’t give enough information. Let’s complicate things a little bit to model an actual real life interaction. Below is a flow chart that covers a much wider range of situations.
As you can see, this flow chart departs from the basic model by introducing different actions based on how strong an IOI or IOD is.
Examples of strong IOIs include:
a. Making out
b. Her rubbing the inside of your leg
c. Her suggesting going somewhere else
Examples of strong IODs include:
a. Her suggesting she needs to get home soon
b. Her quickly refusing another drink
c. Her moving away from you when you touch her in any way
That is the main difference from the basic model but it is an important one. However, the key point of this article that I want to get across is the branching. Notice how the flow chart intertwines. This chart is anything but linear. I have highlighted the key parts where the chart ‘folds on itself’ in red.
Limitations of the Model
Even this chart, which involves much more feedback than the typical linear seduction model many out there propose, is far too rigid for most real life situations. Secondly, determining what is an IOI, an IOD, a strong IOI, or strong IOD is an art as opposed to a science and can take many years to truly master.
Next time you are on a date, stop thinking linearly, and start thinking feedback. It will dramatically increase your success with women.