December 25, 2013 / The Importance Of Being Alpha
Being alpha is about choice.
The "Alpha Male" is a concept that can seem ambiguous at a time. I remember when I was first learning about "acting alpha," everything was described in completely amorphous terms. Eventually I found a definition that clarified everything for me, which I want to share with you today:
An alpha male is someone who makes his own choices.
A beta male is someone who has others choose for him.
It’s that simple. When an alpha male is dating a girl, his choices come first. This doesn’t mean he’s always selfish and an asshole. There’s nothing disqualifying an alpha male from being generous and kind to a woman; it just means whenever he does so, he’s choosing to do it. In fact, I think the best companions to women are alpha males, because their generosity is always genuine. They weren’t nagged and hen-pecked into acting that way.
Why is this important? Because the act of approaching women is one of choice. You are choosing to approach the woman, you are choosing to build attraction, you are choosing to date her, you are choosing to be in an exclusive relationship, and you may even choose to marry her. But it’s happening on your terms, and it happens when you choose for it to happen. Note that at times, what you choose and what you want may be different things. You may not entirely want to be in an exclusive relationship, but you know it will make her happy. So you are choosing to make her happy over your desire to have sex with other women. That’s fine. It’s still your choice.
A common beta male pattern is this: they have a girlfriend at a young age. The relationship lasted longer than it should have, and then they have very little success dating afterwards. What happened? They never chose their girlfriend to begin with. With these kinds of guys, the girl pursued them, they essentially acquiesced, and then the girl dictated the terms of the relationship afterwards.
If this description of an alpha male sounds like a very clinical version of "dude, grow some balls," then it can simplify things to think of it that way. I constantly see guys doing things they wouldn’t choose to do with women. They say things like, "I want to hang out tonight, but I have to see my girlfriend, she needs me to get an oil change for her car." This is a beta male statement, and it makes no sense to me. The guy clearly wants to hang out tonight, and get the oil change done later, when it doesn’t conflict with anything. But he’s choosing to do something he doesn’t want to do! Even worse, what’s the outcome if he chooses to do the thing he wants to do? Maybe his girlfriend will be annoyed and yell at him. So? Are you really willing to de-prioritize your own choices to avoid some yelling?
Again, this isn’t selfishness. And for anyone that would think it’s selfish, why isn’t the girl selfish in this case? Why is it selfish for the guy not to drop everything and do what she wants, but it’s not selfish for her to insist on it? Here’s another example: the guy says, "I can’t hang out tonight, I’m getting an oil change for my girlfriend’s car." This is an alpha male statement, because it indicates choice. The guy is choosing to get an oil change himself, so he’s unavailable.
You don’t have to be selfish or act like an asshole. But you need to take control of your choices, because that’s the only way you can take control of your destiny. Women will present you with countless situations where failing to choose — failing to assert yourself as an alpha male — means the woman will choose for you. She will choose whether or not to be attracted to you, she will choose how committed your relationship with her is, and she will choose what you do in the relationship. And aren’t those choices you want to make yourself?