March 20, 2014 / The Long Time Reconnect
Want to reconnect with a girl you haven't spoken to in forever? Read this.
It could be the hot girl you went out with a few times last year, or the girl you exchanged some e-mails with on Match.com but never ended up seeing. Perhaps it was a girl you liked but never made a move on in your
Step 1: Initial Contact
Everything starts with re-initiating contact. If you’re feeling any hesitation, it’s probably because you’re thinking, "man, it’s kind of weird reaching out to her, she’s gonna think I’m coming out of the blue." But get that out of your head. You haven’t talked to this girl in ages anyway, so what do you have to lose by making an initial contact? The worst thing that can happen is that she ignores you, which isn’t any different than your situation with her now.
Furthermore, there is a good chance she might want you to contact her. Wouldn’t you want to have some girls you hooked up with in the past suddenly contact you out of the blue? Or maybe even a friend you lost touch with? Why wouldn’t you want that?
The "Hey Stranger" Approach, and its Variations
Once you’ve gotten it out of your head that there is anything wrong with contacting her, I generally use the tried and true "Hey Stranger" approach to get things going:
1. If you have her number, text her: "Hey stranger, how’ve you been? Just saw/heard/whatever something that reminded me of you…" You can also use the "accidental text" method but I find it is easier to just reach out with a "reason" you suddenly were reminded of them.
2. If she is someone you met up with online, and you can contact her via the same online dating site, then you have two options here. One is just contact her as if she is someone new. The other is to just use the same ‘Hey stranger’ message, but you don’t even need a ‘reason.’ She is online, she is looking for someone to date. Just give her a "Hey stranger, how’ve you been." Nothing more is really needed.
3. If you run into her in person, you’re already ahead of the game. Initial contact is virtually done for you, she is right there, in front of you, just say hi! If she stops and chats for a bit, then you are onto Step 2.
Step 2: Arranging A Meet
Some girls you contact won’t reply at all. That’s okay. Chances are she didn’t reply because of something logistical (e.g. she moved and got a new phone number awhile ago) that would have prevented you guys from meeting up anyway. Like I said, you had nothing to lose.
If she responds but you sense she’s upset you’re reaching out to her, that can happen. Maybe she was really into you, but you got really busy at work, and eventually lost touch because you were working crazy hours. If she says something like, "I’m good, I am sure you are busy with work," then you want to acknowledge then pivot. Something like, "Yeah, everyone told me I fell off the face of the Earth, I got a new job and it’s way less demanding. Are you still at XYZ company?" It’s not necessary to go into a long apology about your absence. Just acknowledge that yeah, it’s been awhile, and then change the subject.
Otherwise, assuming she does respond: great! The fact that she responded is already a very good sign. At the very least she is curious about why you contacted, and there’s a pretty good chance she is interested in more than that! The next step is then, naturally, to go from contact to in person contact; to meeting.
Suggest "Catching Up"
Arranging a meeting after a long hiatus requires you to be much more indirect and much less aggressive than usual. If you think because a girl you banged two years ago responded to your text you can immediately ask her to come over and fuck, you’ve got another thing coming.
The approach I generally take is suggesting we "catch up sometime". The term is "catching up" is informal, non-committal, and best of all, open-ended. You don’t advertise your intentions, and yet it’s easy for her to think it’s a good idea. Some people may be too busy to date, but who’s that busy that they can’t catch up with someone they already know?
Yet "catching up" doesn’t lock you into a particular activity either. She may assume "catching up" means coffee on a Sunday afternoon, but if you propose drinks on a Thursday night, is she really going to suddenly change her mind? Probably not. So when it comes to suggesting where to go on your ‘catch up,’ you have a lot of flexibility when planning the logistics. That being said, don’t go overboard. If your suggestion for "catching up" is that she comes over to watch a movie at your place, you might as well just ask her if she wants to fuck, because you’re being that blatant with your intentions. Stick with something like getting drinks on a Thursday.
Step 3: Assess The Situation
So, you got back in touch, and you managed to get her out for a drink. Great job, but you aren’t done yet. The next step involves assessing the situation. Unlike, say, a first date, in a situation with a long hiatus, the intentions of the two parties aren’t immediately apparent to each other. So, before you can treat the first meeting back like a date and start escalation, you need to assess the situation.
What you are trying to figure out is the following:
Does she seem romantically interested?
To determine this, the usual
This advice might seem somewhat contrary to traditional dating advice, and maybe even a bit "beta." However, realize that you’re likely going to encounter a much higher than usual "
If you determine she is romantically interested, you can proceed with Step 4: Escalation. If you don’t sense romantic interest, be the one to end the interaction. Don’t try to "attract her" right then and there, she will figure you out. End the interaction and keep her wondering. All is not necessarily lost: you got back on her radar and now you can continue to interact with her, and hopefully, (re)build some attraction in future meetings.
Step 4: Escalate
Finally, the good stuff. You got in touch, you set up a meeting and you assessed that she is romantically interested. Now it’s time to escalate. From this point, once you get the signs of interest from her (and especially if you get Strong IOIs) it’s time to get back into full on courtship mode. Don’t take anything in the past for granted yet (e.g. don’t assume because you slept with her 2 years ago she is going to sleep with you tonight) but you can start to play the typical courtship and dating game.
In essence, if you get to this point, it’s almost like a first or second date that is going well. There are; however, a few minor differences. Firstly, you have a history with each other. Use this to your advantage. For example, you can spend more time re-attracting her and turning her on over making her comfortable with you: you aren’t a stranger, after all.
Secondly, while the history can help, it can also hurt. The aforementioned "slut defense" can sometimes deny you for the very reason that you got it in the past. In particular, if you are trying to reconnect with a girl that you "hit and quit", you will almost always encounter some resistance. You can try to fight it, but I recommend letting it go and respecting her concerns; it will serve to greatly increase your likelihood of succeeding the next time whereas if you keep plowing forward you run the risk of scaring her off permanently.
Don’t discount the reconnect
Reconnecting doesn’t always work, but the 4 step system I detailed above has worked for me multiple times. Don’t immediately discount attempting to reconnect with a woman you haven’t seen in ages, because you can make it work!