May 22, 2014 / The Oneitis Death Trap
Don't fall into the oneitis death trap.
The bane of so many men is "<g>oneitis</g>." The feeling that a particular girl is "the one" and no one else will do. As I wrote about <a title="Why Your Oneitis Is Not Special" href="/articles/view/why-your-oneitis-is-not-special/">here</a>, she's probably hot, but you go further than that: you convince yourself that she is everything. That she's smart even though it's clear she isn't. That she is pleasant to be around even though she isn't. That she is interested in you even though she isn't. That her annoying quirks are actually "cute", even though they aren't. It goes on, and on, and on. This is part of the death trap of oneitis, but it isn't all there is to it. Here is the rest; the reason oneitis is so crippling.
<h4>The oneitis death trap</h4>
The pitfalls of oneitis comprises not just of overvaluing the oneitis, it consists of more. Here are the basic components of the trap:
<h5>1. An unhealthy obsession with a girl, usually driven by looks.</h5>
This is the crux of most oneitis. I wrote about it here. Most oneitis develop simply because the girl is "the hottest girl that gave them the time of day". It really is that simple. This itself is not the whole problem though, it's what happens afterwards.
<h5>2. Looks lead to exaggeration of her other qualities.</h5>
As I wrote about in the <a title="Why Your Oneitis Is Not Special" href="/articles/view/why-your-oneitis-is-not-special/">aforementioned article</a>, when you develop oneitis, it leads to an exaggeration of all the woman's qualities for good. Suddenly, she isn't just "the hottest girl who talks to me", she is the most perfect woman in all the world in every way. This is a major issue which leads you further into the abyss.
<h5>3. Women are then compared to the exaggerated oneitis.</h5>
Inevitably, when it comes to oneitis, you either "get her" and live happily ever after (in which case it isn't really oneitis) or you get rejected. It's usually not an outright rejection, but one of those annoying girl rejections that make it seem like you still have a chance. However, you'll get the hint eventually, and start pursuing other women. The problem is, you start comparing the other women you meet to the mythical girl you put on a pedestal and naturally, they will all come up short. Even if they are hotter, cuter, funnier, smarter, and more successful. They still come up short.
<h5>4. The skewed comparison makes her appear even more special.</h5>
So now, just when you think you have moved on to hit on other women, the warped idol you have been comparing women to actually ends up only reinforcing your earlier conclusions: that the oneitis really is that special and that much better! The truth is, she isn't, but you have arrived at this conclusion based on the false premises from (2) and it will seem like it is reality.
<h5>5. The illusion leads to belief that no one can ever compare.</h5>
Eventually, you will fall for the trap almost all men afflicted with oneitis fall for: "The soul mate trap". You convince yourself with utter conviction that she is the only one for me and no one can ever compare. At this point, you are stuck in the trap, but instead of fighting to squirm out of there, what usually happens is...
<h5>6. Feeling of hopelessness leads to failure to improve game.</h5>
When what you need to do is fight. When what you need to do is realize that everyone giving you advice telling you to move on and that she isn't that great are RIGHT and YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS WRONG, you don't listen. You let your hopelessness consume you and you give up. You stop even trying to meet other women. Maybe you don't even go out with friends anymore. You just obsess, and obsess, and obsess. This is the end you want to avoid, because if you do not force yourself to at least go out and try, in the end, you actually WONT be able to get anyone else because your failure to improve your game will end up destroying your ability with women!
<h4>But this doesn't have to happen</h4>
The above is the worst case scenario, but it doesn't have to happen. All you have to do is start recognizing when you fall into the trap and pull yourself out of it by going after other women, and stop irrationally evaluating your oneitis!