October 27, 2016 / The "So…" Moment
Here are some ways you can deal with the "so..."
"I’ve been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours. I’m fucking freezing. Why am I sitting here? Why am I still sitting on this bench? You know, it’s probably best if I rewind. If I back up and explain. Every relationship arrives at a critical moment, a juncture, between moving forward and moving on. I call that moment the "so." So… Where is this going, then? I think you’re a… Like… I think you’re amazing. I think you’re an amazing girl. I… – I think you’re an amazing person. – No. I’m breaking up with you." — The Awkward Moment
As we wrote in our article: Seeing Multiple Women, there will come a time where you are going to have to make a choice. You won’t want to make it: you’ll want to keep dating her and her roommate and the three other girls you are juggling. But, you will have no choice. The "So" moment is going to come. That moment where she asks you where the relationship is going, whether or not she is "wasting her time", and whether or not there are other girls in the picture.
What are you gonna do??
Most men with options dread this moment, and for good reason: Why have to choose one girl over all the others if you can keep them all happy and keep your options open? But, that is no longer an option.
At this stage you have a few options. Delay, Decide, or Lie.
Should I Just Lie?
It may be tempting to simply lie and say you are going to accept their new conditions (most likely exclusivity) while maintaining your other relationships. I do not recommend this. Besides the obvious ethical issues of blatantly lying when confronted about a situation and then maintaining a lie and engaging in a relationship fundamentally based on deceit, you are exposing your partner to potential health risks that they no longer believe are on the table.
Health risks are part of the nature of life among sexually active adults; and while it is on both partners to ensure safety as best as possible, and every partner should go into a sexual relationship knowing that there is potential risk and assuming that they may not be the only one in the relationship, they shouldn’t have to worry about other partners if they specifically address the concern.
Delaying The Inevitable
Just because you cannot lie, doesn’t mean you cannot try to delay making a choice. There are a few ways you can attempt to delay making a decision. For starters, tell her you need to think about it. This is obviously a very unattractive thing for a woman to hear, but if you want to delay making a choice and don’t want to lie, you have got to do something like this. The best way to do it is to tell her how much you enjoy her company and hanging out with her and that you want to talk about her concerns in person.
Delaying is great, but it won’t consistently work. When the "so" comes, you have to make a choice. You have to obvious options at this stage. Option one is to accept her terms and be exclusive. If you go with option one, you now have a girlfriend. There’s no other way you can really frame exclusivity. When you make this choice, don’t make it halfheartedly: accept the commitment you are making and go into it with enthusiasm. Otherwise, as hard as it is to do, do not simply accept her terms because you don’t want to hurt her feelings or feel awkward. If you aren’t ready to make this commitment, go with option two: reject her proposal.
Just because she wants to be exclusive doesn’t mean you are obligated to go along with it. You can tell her that as much as you like her and like hanging out with her, you aren’t ready for an exclusive relationship yet. Most likely, this will lead to her not wanting to see you again (at least not if sex is involved), but you would be surprised, there is a chance that she is willing to compete for you.
The last point is important, because while you should be open and honest about your feelings, you should not automatically assume that if you say you aren’t ready for exclusivity she will stop seeing you. This means you should say something like: "I think we should stop seeing each other because I am not ready to be exclusive." Always leave the door open for her to be ok with you seeing other women at this stage in the relationship. I use the following (if it’s true): "I like you and like hanging out with you, but I don’t know that I am ready for an exclusive relationship at this time. I could see the potential, but I am just not there yet,"
The "So" is inevitable
How you deal with the "so" is up to you, but at some point in your dating life it will come up. Hopefully this article helps you deal with it.