Josh Sway
JoshSway.com is every man's source for dating, relationships, self-improvement, and more.

Articles advice from Josh

/ What To Do (and NOT to do) When She’s Gone Cold

While it's hard to win her back, it's not impossible: here are 5 rules to help.


It happens to the best of us: Things are going great and then, seemingly out of nowhere, she turns into an ice queen. Whether it’s spontaneous (such as in the middle of a date) or the much more common scenario I focus on here where she won’t return your calls or texts after a seemingly great time, women go from hot to cold ALL THE TIME.

Her suddenly losing interest is common

The first thing to understand when this happens is that this behavior is very common, normal, and often times, not your fault. It is very easy to try to think back at what you did that caused her to suddenly lose interest, and this is a good exercise, but there are many cases where you will have done nothing wrong. Bottom line, don’t get down on yourself if this happens to you.

If she lost interest, it’s bad, but there is hope

Before you get too excited, I do want to point out that there are a good number of situations where she has simply lost interest and attraction and there isn’t much you can do about it. I would even go as far as saying that this is, sadly, the most likely outcome, regardless of what seduction gurus etc. would like you to believe. With that bad news out of the way though, there are enough situations where you can win her back that it is worth putting in some effort to try; women who have gone cold can and do sometimes rapidly heat up again.

5 Rules to help you win her back

So, what are you supposed to do to win her back? Winning her back is a difficult thing to do, but what is very important to note is that your odds depend not only on what you do, but also making sure you DON’T do certain things. I always like to say there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dating, relationships, and women, but the following 5 rules have greatly increased my success rekindling interest in women that went cold.

1. Give her time

I cannot stress this enough. If a woman just went cold, she did it for a reason, and she is unlikely to just suddenly change her mind overnight. A bunch of texts apologizing for what you think you did wrong or whatever are only going to drive the wedge even further (note throughout this article I am referring to dating/courtship not a break-up of a long term relationship). Giving her time and space demonstrates to her that you are not needy, respect her decision, and are an overall calm, cool, and collected guy. All those traits are attractive to women, and giving her time might actually make you more attractive to her!

2. Don’t offer random apologies

Neediness and desperation are major turn offs to women and often times why they go cold on a guy they seem so into. Offering random apologies for what you think you did wrong is another sign of neediness and desperation that will likely turn her from an ice cube into a tank of nitrogen gas. If you are in contact with her and she specifically mentions something you did that offended or hurt her or you know for sure what you did wrong, an apology is often in order, but do yourself a favor and don’t try to guess what you did wrong; it doesn’t work.

3. Ease your way back into contact

Confident, direct, and aggressive game is often the best way to get women; however, in a situation where she has gone cold I find a more indirect subtle approach works best to get back on her radar. Think defrosting versus full power. Some examples are simple texts (after you have given her time) like: "Hey Stranger, how was that concert/something contextual based on previous conversation?" or "Hey Stranger, how’ve you been?" etc.

4. Don’t try to "convince" her

Believe me, I have tried the logical route, and it doesn’t work. Trying to logically convince her to give you another chance is unlikely to be effective because there is too large an emotional component in romantic relationships that generally trumps logic. Also, having an argument with her about why she is not interested anymore will make her uncomfortable and put her in an awkward situation. Would you want to hang out with someone who makes you uncomfortable? No. So why would she?

5. Show that you aren’t fazed

You can show that you aren’t fazed by her rejection in many ways. Don’t de-friend her on Facebook and delete her number from your phone. Continue to go out as normal, date other women (if she sees/hears about it, could be even better!) etc. Basically, continue about your ways as you would have done if she had never entered your life in the first place. This has a powerful effect of showing that you are a man who is in control but also relieves some of the pressure and awkwardness on her making it easier for her to get comfortable with the idea of meeting up again. It’s much more likely she will be amenable to meeting up again down the road if she isn’t worried you have some weird obsession with her and she will be even more likely to want to meet up if she thinks you have gotten over her completely!

Finding the path after the trail has gone cold is a very difficult process. However, if you follow these few simple Do’s and Don’ts, I am confident you will skew the odds significantly in your favor.

Not sure if she was interested in the first place? Read our article about 6 Common Indicators of Interest.

Have questions or comments? Contact us at josh@joshsway.com!





If you've enjoyed the articles on JoshSway.com, there's even more advice in our e-books!

Buy Now!