October 06, 2014 / Why She Went Cold: When It’s Your Fault
The mistakes you made that caused her to freeze you out.
You’ve been there. You may have even found this site when you googled, "why she went cold." You meet a really promising new girl, and one day she’s hanging out with you, laughing at your stupid jokes, touching you and being affectionate without being prompted, and assuming all sorts of continuity. You’re excited, because you think this girl is really LTR material and she’s giving you every indication that’s what she wants.
And then she goes cold. The next time you see her, something seems ‘off.’ There’s a perceptible distance between you now. Then she flakes out on your next date. You ask herif anything is wrong, but she demurs. Eventually, your calls and texts go unanswered. Before you know it, she falls of the face of the earth, and you have no what happened. The only thing you have left is one question.
Why Did She Go Cold?
How could something that started off so well, end in such an underwhelming fashion?
Look, girls go cold and lose interest all the time. However, as I wrote about in our article about stop asking why, asking a girl why she suddenly went cold isn’t going to get you anywhere. In previous articles, I talked about why a girl isn’t interested. But in this article, I’m going to focus on why she lost interest, because she’s probably not going to tell you herself.
So let’s get into it. What are the reasons why she went cold?
Because You Moved Too Slowly
Pace is crucial in dating, and one the biggest mistakes men make with pacing is moving too slowly. TVJ and I have written a lot about this, advising you that taking it slow is a bad strategy and why you shouldn’t play the long game. Moving quickly is almost always the best approach: you give her less time to find something wrong with you, less time to change her mind, and less time to meet another man. I know both TVJ and I have missed out on great women who were into us because we were too passive and didn’t just go for it.
Make sure every time you see a woman, you’re making "forward progress" romantically and sexually. Don’t take a girl out to dinner on the first date, and then go to frozen yogurt on the second date. If you have a girl at your place and you’re hooking up, make sure every future date goes at least that far. Think about every "why did she go cold?" situation you’ve encountered in the past; in all likelihood, you took a step ‘backward’ on one of your dates.
Because You Escalated, and then Bombed
While moving slowly is the source of most "pace-related" dating woes, sometimes you’ll find a woman has gone cold right after you saw her and escalated. For most guys, this probably sounds very frustrating. "You said not too move slowly, and I didn’t! We went back to my place and I escalated and she reciprocated, so why did she drop all contact with me afterwards?"
Every situation is different, but when this happens, it’s because you bombed. Maybe she thought you were a bad kisser, or you were way too clumsy with her bra clasp, or she really hated the color of your bed sheets. It happens. The sexual chemistry just wasn’t there for her, and fading out slowly seemed like a much better option to her than pointing out all your deficiencies as a lover.
While this sucks, the only time you should be really concerned about it if it’s a pattern of behavior. If you notice every girl stops talking to you right after you escalate with them, then clearly you’re doing something universally physically unattractive. Figure out what that is, and fix it.
Because You Pissed Her Off Without Realizing It
While women are very forgiving to men they’re attracted to, you can still screw up. This is especially true if you have a history of self-sabotage in your life. Some people just subconsciously ruin promising situations in their life to mitigate disappointment. Are you one of them?
Generally, if you did screw up and piss her off, you’ll know what you did. But if nothing seems evident, then think back to whether you met any of her family and friends. It’s possible you said something to offend or upset them without realizing it. So she went cold because she was fed a steady diet of "he’s not right for you" from her friends or family after you last saw her.
Because You Were Too Needy
We’ve written a lot about being too needy on JoshSway.com, so there’s no point in re-hashing everything here. You may have started out playing it alpha-cool with her, but let yourself get wrapped up and infatuated way too early.
Don’t get excited and definitely don’t get infatuated. A general rule of thumb is make sure you’re still playing it alpha-cool until sex.
Because She Was Never Hot On You to Begin With
Unfortunately, by far the most common reason women go cold is because they were never hot on you to begin with. Smiling at you and laughing at your stupid jokes is generally a good indicator she isn’t having a bad time talking to you, but it’s hardly an indicator she is ready to jump into bed with you. Are you sure you didn’t misinterpret signs of her interest? Are you sure she didn’t give you some of these 9 Signs of Disinterest? Look, you can never be sure, but if you read the articles I just linked to and find yourself nodding your head at every point, there’s a good chance she never actually "lost interest," because she was never that interested to begin with.
Don’t Dwell On It
I write a decent amount about the "why" in dating; however, the reason I write about it is not to help you understand the specific situation you are in, with that one specific girl.
I write about the "why" because understanding the general reasons why women in general are not interested, is the key to improving your game.
Every individual woman is just a data point, and it’s very hard to tell which of the multitude of reasons fit her. Knowing the set of reasons that capture almost all women (and avoiding them) is what you can take with you to help with the next girl.