January 21, 2015 / Why You Don’t Want Her to Hit On You
It means she doesn't fear your rejection. That's not a good thing.
At some point you’ve probably found yourself frustrated by the courtship standard that dictates men pursue women. You may have imagined a world where these gender roles were reversed, and it was you standing at the bar waiting for female suitors to approach, with no need to worry about approach anxiety and rejection. Can’t I just go out and have girls hit on me?
Here’s the thing – girls do hit on guys on occasion, and you may find one of those guys being you. If this happens, and the girl seems at least moderately attractive, then you may think this is pretty great. Instead of worrying about reading IOIs (both common and uncommon) and figuring out which women would be open to an approach from you, here’s this cute girl just coming up to you and starting a conversation. Sounds ideal, right?
Well, it’s not. Because if you do find yourself in this situation, it could be a strong indicator of one of these things:
She Has a Boyfriend
Here’s the thing: as much as you hate rejection, women hate it one hundred times more. Because they’re not used to it! The idea of “putting themselves out there” is terrifying. Even as successful as Josh and I are with women now, we hardly have a 100% success rate. And those rejections still sting; it’s just that we’ve long since realized a single woman’s rejection doesn’t cause a whole depressive spiral where we question our entire self-worth.
But almost all women haven’t built up nearly that tolerance. So if a girl starts talking to you and it’s pretty apparent she’s hitting on you, that means she’s exceptionally confident. She’s taking the risk you could reject her. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, except in my experience it almost always means she has a boyfriend.
Think about it: she doesn’t care about your rejection because she doesn’t need your attraction. She has nothing to lose. Why is she hitting on you at a bar instead of hanging out with her boyfriend? The most charitable scenario is that she’s with her single friends, and she’s playing wingwoman for them. But more likely, it’s that her boyfriend is named Mike and has decided to do something else instead of hang out with her. So hitting on you is her way of getting another guy’s attention, so she can feel validated and attractive.
This is why on the occasions I do have a girl hit on me, I react pleasantly, make a few minutes of small talk, and then ask, “so, where’s your boyfriend?” Most of the time they’ll be surprised and say, “how did you know I have a boyfriend?” Then I’ll say something like, “I had a feeling. So, are you here with any cute single friends?” If she’s being a good wingwoman, she’ll introduce them to me. Otherwise, I’m moving on.
In my experience, about 60% of the time they’re just being an attention whore, and 20% of the time they’re playing wingwoman. The other 20% of the time, they are legitimately single and interested in me. But that’s still not a great situation, because…
19% of them are Stage 5 Clingers
When it comes to physical attraction, women have much more varied tastes then men. There are over three billion women in the world, so it’s reasonable that regardless of what you look like, there are at least a handful who will be very attracted to you just by looking at you. And sometimes you’ll happen to be at the same bar at one of those girls, and she won’t hesitate to just outright hit on you.
In other words, that girl hitting on you may be thinking that you’re so irresistible on sight that she’s going to risk being outright rejected. You’ll know this is the case because not only will she hit on you, but she’ll continue to be very explicit in how hot she thinks you are. To some of you, this may seem like a bizarre thing to be wary about. Why is it a bad thing if a cute girl hits on you and tells you how hot you think she is? And for the most part, you’re right; just make sure you wrap it up if you do anything sexual, and be prepared for her to obsessively text you for the at least week.
But it’s not accurate to describe every girl as either an attention whore, a wingwoman, or a Stage 5 Clinger. She may mostly normal. But despite the seeming slam-dunk on having a girl hit on you, you may actually find yourself more likely to screw it up. And that’s because…
You’ll Be Off Your Game
A while ago, Josh wrote an article describing how not screwing up is a skill. Among the advice he gave was to not get too excited, and not take unnecessary risks.
The problem is, if you’re at a party or a bar, you’re not thinking about how to avoid screwing it up. You’re thinking about approaching women, what openers to use, what’s the best way to build attraction, and so forth. You’ve got your "game face" on and you know you have to be aggressor. Just limply standing there with a drink in your hand is going to guarantee you won’t talk to any women.
… or so you thought. Now you have this girl hitting on you, and now you need to rapidly toggle between actively trying to build attraction, but also trying not to get too excited at her clear interest in you. If you respond too aggressively, you risk overcompensating and turning her off. But you can’t just rest on your laurels either, because you shouldn’t settle for baseline attraction.
Know the Difference Between This and a Strong IOI
I’m talking about scenarios where a girl just walks right up to you and introduces herself. What I’m not talking about isn’t an indicator of interest, this is just plain interest.
But don’t mix this up with actual IOIs. A girl may come up to you and ask you for the time, or if you know where the bathroom is, or if the bar has a cocktail menu. In these situations, it’s possible she’s interested in you, but it’s also possible she just wants to know what time it is. If you’re not sure, that’s a good thing. It means the girl is just giving you an opening. That’s different than just flagrantly hitting on you because she has nothing to lose or because she’s a Stage 5 Clinger.
I wrote this article to help guys dispel the idea that it would actually be a desirable situation to have women hit on us. But even if a girl hitting on you didn’t come with all these red flags, this is not a situation you should want anyway. You should want to be the driver’s seat, taking it upon yourself to determine who you think is attractive. If you want to talk to her, you can just walk up and talk to her. What can women do? You should pity women that all they can really do is stand around passively and look pretty and hope a guy thinks she’s cute enough to talk to.
I don’t know about you, but that side of the coin sounds pretty awful to me. Once you’ve built enough confidence and no longer fear the sting of rejection, I think you’ll feel the same way.