June 14, 2014 / Women’s Advice Is For Men They Already Like
Most of the time, if a woman gives you advice, it's advice that only works if she already likes you.
You probably hear about all the things women claim they want. And the truth is, they probably want all that stuff. But then why is it that the advice most male dating experts give is often contrary to "what women want?" For one, the question "what do women want?" is a bad one as I’ve written about here. Secondly, as I wrote about in "Taking it slow is a bad strategy", a woman may want something because it gives her more options with men, not because it makes her like you more.
However, one other crucial reason women’s advice for men is often flawed is that they assume they are giving advice assuming they already like the guy!
Dating vs Courtship
This situation is the "Dating vs Courtship" debate. When you are dating someone, the rules of the game are different. Attraction already exists, so the focus is on maintaining that attraction and the other things which keep people dating each other and potentially progressing to more.
In courtship, it’s all about making her attracted to you. Attraction is first chair, and everything else is playing second fiddle. Now herein lies the rub: most men, when they ask for women’s advice, are in the courtship phase. However, most women, when asked what they want in a man, assume the dating phase, or at the least, answer what they want from men they are already attracted to. And that’s the problem, because what makes a girl attracted to you is often quite different than what a woman wants from a guy she is already attracted to.
This is why women think what Mark does in "Love Actually" is "cute" and "adorable" and even "romantic" It’s not because it is, it’s because they are imagining someone that they are already into professing their feelings for them. But in reality, the real question you should have been asking is this: "Hey, what would you do if a guy you don’t really know well and aren’t particularly attracted to shows up at your door with a bunch of signs like Mark did in Love Actually?" Their answer won’t be "cute, adorable, or romantic". It will be "creepy", "eww", "weirdo", or "dial 911″.
How would a girl who isn’t attracted to you react?
In fact, anytime you think about doing something as needy, creepy, and pathetic as Mark in "Love Actually", put it in this context: "How would a girl who is not into me and doesn’t find me particularly attractive react to this action?" Most likely, you’ll see for yourself how bad an idea what you are about to do is.
Ask about attraction
What’s the lesson to be learned here? If you insist on asking female friends for dating advice, focus on attraction. Be specific, and even caveat your question with: "From a guy you are not neutral on." You may want to know what a girl’s romantic fantasies are with their fantasy celebrity crush, but I assure you that information is going to be useless to you.