May 16, 2014 / Avoid Pointless Worrying
Productive worrying means taking action.
I’ve written about looks, I’ve written about height, and I’ve written about other male insecurities such as money. Unlike many "seduction experts," I will be the first to admit that these things all matter. If you are ugly, short, or poor, it will hurt your chances of getting women.
However, there is some logic to those who say that "looks don’t matter" and "height doesn’t matter", and "money doesn’t matter." Saying those things don’t matter is misleading, but what they are really saying is this:
Worry About What You Can Control
You’ve probably heard some version of this advice before, but I want to emphasize how much it matters, and give you guidelines that can help distinguish between "productive" and "pointless" worrying.
The bad kind of worrying is when it’s limited to your mental state of mind. The kind of worrying that does not result in any actual action is pointless worrying.
Note that "action" can be even the most basic thing like doing situps in the morning, or going out to meet a friend. The action automatically makes your worrying have a point, because you are trying to do something about the issue you’re worrying about, which means you think you can control it.
If worrying about something is making you take proactive steps to improving your life (for example, worrying about your health so you go to the gym more and eat healthier), then it is not pointless worrying.
If you are going to worry, take action
I get it. Sometimes it’s just hard to ignore our short comings and not worry about things. That’s fine, and realistic. But in that case, make sure you also consider ways you can take action to mitigate what you’re worrying about. That will ensure your thoughts are productive worrying and not pointless worrying.
So use your worry to force yourself into action. Worried about your looks? Use that worry as motivation to go to the gym and improve the way you groom yourself and dress. Don’t just complain that you can’t get women because of your looks, and don’t just waste your time in front of the computer reading article after article about how looks don’t matter. Take action.
This is why it’s often so helpful to talk to a friend about what you’re worrying about. They can help you come up with solutions and actions you can take to deal with what you’re worrying about, or they can help you conclude that you have no control over what you’re worrying about, and you need to focus on acceptance.
If you can’t take action, you can’t control it, so don’t worry about it
Now, with things like looks, you can actually make changes. However, some things are simply out of our control entirely. Take your race, for example. Some online dating sites have done research indicating that white males have the best chance of getting women to respond to them. If you’re not a white male, you may worry about this.
But short of extreme plastic surgery, you can’t control your racial physical features. Are you that worried about your race that you want to take action with extreme plastic surgery? Maybe it’s worth searching for plastic surgeons in your area and make an appointment for a consultancy. I’d consider that absurd, but I’d prefer you do that then to just stew in your thoughts with pointless worrying and take no action at all. You’ll probably find out that any plastic procedures are very expensive and can’t even change how you look all that much, which in turn will let you accept that your race isn’t something you can control and thus you shouldn’t worry about it.
Even futile actions have value to mitigate worrying
I remember TVJ telling me a story where he was so worried by his height as a teenager, he used to hang upside down from a pull-up bar with the thought that it would make him taller. He knew, scientifically, that this was pointless. But he did it anyway for a few minutes a day for about a week, until he realized how futile it was.
Did his actions — hanging upside down on a pull-up bar — actually help solve what he was worrying about? Of course not. But it made him realize that this action, or pretty much any other action, would be equally futile. His actions helped him conclude his problem was unactionable, and that let him stop worrying about his height and accept it. If TVJ didn’t take this action, he would have just kept pointlessly worrying about his height.
This is the principle behind the dating advice that says things like, "height doesn’t matter." This isn’t accurate because of course height "matters," but height is also not something you can control.
So if you’re worried about something but can’t accept you can’t control it, take action. In other words, try to control it. You could, for example, buy shoes with lifts. If they help you feel better about your height, great; you worried about something, took action, and now you are worrying about it less. If you buy the shoes but you think they look stupid or feel uncomfortable, that also has value; you’re hopefully one step closer to realizing you can’t control your height and it’s not worth worrying about.
The key is to avoid pointless worrying. Don’t let your worries stay in your head. Take action, talk to a friend, and do whatever else you need to determine whether this is something you can control or not. Productive worrying should always lead to self-improvement or acceptance. Once you’ve mastered that, you’re on your way to being a confident and content individual.