March 26, 2014 / You Are Being Too Available
Here are 6 crucial principles regarding availability
Availability is one of the trickiest dating subjects out there. On the one hand, you don’t want to never be available to the woman you are interested in, while on the other hand, if you are too available you risk coming off as needy and desperate. What is availability in more detail, why does it matter, and what is the right way to balance availability and how do you go about doing it? Let’s get into it.
What is "availability" and why it matters
Availability, in the dating context, means how available you are to her when she seeks any form of contact. This includes but is not limited to, how often you respond to her phone calls, how often and how quickly you text her back, how willing you are to engage in text/e-mail/facebook/etc. conversation, adding her to social networks, being available when she wants to meet up in person, and the like.
As I hinted earlier, the reason availability matters is because it is correlated to desperation and neediness. It is also correlated to investment which I wrote about here. The more available you are, particularly for non-romantic activities, the more needy and desperate you may appear. If you demand something in return for availability, and demand some availability on her part, you make her invest. There is of course, a balance. Here are the 6 principles that have helped me master this balance.
6 Availability Principles
1. Tailor your availability to her romantic interest level.
The main risk of being too available is coming off as needy and or too interested. For this reason, it is important not to be too available unless she is already interested. Once you "got her", once she is interested, you have less to worry about regarding appearing needy. You still don’t want to be available for hour long phone calls every night (especially if you aren’t getting laid, and even if you are), but you don’t have to "play games" with text response time, for example.
2. Don’t get sucked in to text conversations
Not only is getting into a text conversation tedious and annoying, it serves virtually no purpose. If you met on a dating site like Tinder where there is almost no information about the other person but their picture, it makes some sense to chat, but there is almost no other situation where you should be chatting a lot by text if it isn’t dirty talk. Dirty talk should pretty much be the only type of long real time conversation you have over text, period. Anything else, engage in a text two then end it.
3. Avoid adding to facebook/social media until sex
Granted, in some cultures/countries, a lot of communication is done through Facebook messenger, but I would still try to avoid adding girls on facebook who you have not slept with. It It’s too easy for them to get turned off by something in your profile, by other women, by bad pictures, or by bad comments. Try to avoid social media until sex (and even after if possible). If they add you on facebook? Well, just ignore it and if they call you out on it, tell them you rarely ever check facebook.
4. Communicate for logistics
If you met a girl out and got her number, you want to use it to set up a date or potentially dirty talk (though I would focus on setting up a date). This means focus on logistics. Don’t get into a conversation about all the stuff she did over the weekend, just get to the point. Something like: "Hey, how are you, it’s Josh, the charming guy you met out last night, want to meet up for a drink later this week?" Should be sufficient. Don’t give her openings to get into a conversation about Nietzsche’s philosophy. And, especially, do not engage in any conversation about her dating life/other men, more on that in point 6.
5. Don’t bend over backwards to meet
Making it too easy for her to meet you is a sign of neediness. You propose the time and place, and then work from there. Don’t let her decide, and don’t agree to every counter proposal she gives you. You have your own life and your schedule does not revolve around her availability. Even if you have no life, you don’t want to make that obvious by being too agreeable to every meeting.
6. Do not risk being the ‘GBF’
GBF stands for "gay best friend" and this essentially means being her pillow to cry on and to complain to when things aren’t going well in her life. This is the guy who is used as an emotional crutch when she is down, and often, used to pump up her self esteem when OTHER men reject her or use her. DO NOT BE THIS GUY EVER. Even if you have to abruptly end a phone conversation, even if you have to abruptly end an in person conversation, even if you have to flat out tell her you have no interest in talking about her dating life with her, whatever you do, DO NOT GO DOWN THIS ROAD, EVER. It is a guaranteed way to end in the friendzone and never get out of it.
Availability Within Reason
The 6 principles I have described are geared towards being less available than normal. This is because most men are too available with women. With that said, you have got to make some time for women because otherwise they will quickly give up and lose interest. The key is to be available within reason, and for romantic interest.