April 21, 2014 / You Can’t Succeed If You Don’t Care
Which is why "stop giving a fuck" is completely idiotic advice.
One of the most infuriating pieces of advice I constantly see floating around seduction circles is usually framed something like this:
- "Stop caring."
- "Don’t care about the outcome."
- "Stop giving a fuck."
Even worse than "just do it," this advice is misleading at best and completely idiotic at worst. I wrote about it in my newsletter but I want to write a little more about this point, because rote following of this advice to "not giving a fuck" is going to do one thing: ensure that you do not succeed at just about anything in life.
To succeed you must care
Guys, reality check: unless you are extremely gifted at something, you have to put in effort to succeed.
Recall one of my three principles: "Improvement = Time x Effort." Effort means caring. Which means effort means giving a fuck. This should be incredibly obvious, but for some reason, the seduction community has managed to convince a bunch of men with twisted logic that somehow, when it comes to getting girls, all it takes is not caring to get girls. The implication is if you don’t try, and don’t give a shit, and act like you don’t care about anything, women are going to flock to you. Sorry, that actually isn’t how it works. To succeed at anything, you have got to care.
So why do they say "stop giving a fuck?"
Because this advice was initially geared towards the initial and early steps of approaching women. It is advice designed to specifically address two very important issue that plagues many men early on: fear of rejection, and conveying interest too early.
"Stop giving a fuck" is sound advice for someone who is irrationally letting a woman’s rejection lower his self-esteem. "Act like you don’t give a fuck" is also sound advice for men who are prone to convey interest too early and turn off women by seeming too needy and eager.
But "don’t give a fuck about rejection" is not synonymous with "don’t give a fuck about anything." Yes, when it comes to worrying about getting rejection, you should "stop giving a fuck." When it comes to a woman you’re attracted to, you don’t want to come on too strong and should "act like you don’t give a fuck" if she’s interested in you or not. But these are both just small components of building attraction with a woman, and is hardly a motto you should extend to everything else in life.
Stop applying idioms out of context
So this is my issue with "stop giving a fuck": I see too many people in the seduction community who have taken this catch phrase and basically use it for a blanket application of every aspect of seduction.
If you want a girl, do you really think not caring is going to give you the necessary motivation to improve your game and lifestyle to the point where she will find you attractive? No, caring and putting in the effort to improve your lifestyle and your game will get you the girl.
If you are concerned you are too physically unattractive to get women, do you think "not giving a fuck" is going to solve your problems? No, actually giving a shit about your appearance and getting your ass to the gym will.
If you are concerned that your career is lowly and gives off a "beta" vibe do you think simply not caring is going to make her find your job flipping burgers at Wendy’s more attractive? No, getting a promotion or demonstrating effort and ambition to improve your career situation will make her forget about your current job.
In other words, to accomplish anything, you need to give a fuck. In fact, the more fucks you give, the better. I’d recommend you give at least two fucks, because that means you’re putting in twice as much effort to get what you want. Remember: Improvement = Time x Effort. So the more effort, more "giving a fuck," means less time required to accomplish the goals you have and the less time required to be with the women you want.
A marathon, not a sprint
The reason I feel so strong about this is because my own journey of self-improvement started nearly 15 years ago. Each step of learning how to approach women, or increasing my value physically and financially, took a lot of effort. I wish all it took was a small mental adjustment to "stop giving a fuck" about everything to solve all my problems, but that’s not how it works.
So while it’s good to separate rejection from negative feelings, but it’s bad to separate all feelings from doing anything. Don’t fall into this trap and let thoughts of "I don’t give a fuck" apply to anything else you want to do. Because, in all likelihood, that means you won’t be doing anything at all.