April 07, 2015 / Your Situation Isn’t Special
"But this is different..." is almost never different
"But she’s different…"
"That won’t work on her…"
"She isn’t that kind of girl…"
If I had a penny, not a nickel or a dime, just a penny, for every time someone asking for advice went out of their way to explain how their situation isn’t typical I would be a very rich man. For some reason, in the world of dating everybody thinks that their problem with girls is a very specific one that requires in-depth analysis and novel ideas. Somehow, every guy that asks for advice already knows that the ‘standard advice’ won’t work (usually without even trying). Every guy always seems meets a girl who "will shut off if I move too fast" or "isn’t the kind of girl who will hook up with me on a first date" or "will really like me sending her flowers after meeting her once".
If you are one of those guys: Enough Already.
Your situation is not nearly as unique as you think.
Most dating problems are simple
The main reason your situation is unlikely to be unique is because most dating problems are extremely simple. The nuances of the individuals in question hardly ever matters; you are most likely doing something (or many things) fundamentally so wrong, or she simply isn’t attracted to you. In both situations, the odds that specifics about her upbringing, minor details from your date, analyzing choice of synonymous words and minutes between text and the like will help you turn things around more or less zero percent.
For instance, thought you had a great date (maybe you even made out) but you can’t get her out on another date? It’s almost certainly because the date didn’t go as well as you think it did.
"Move on" is other standard advice that address a host of standard questions that every guy asking thinks are non-standard. I’ve fallen into this trap when I was starting out in my journey with women. I would always convince myself that when expert after expert told me to "move on" they were missing important differentiating details. Needless to say they weren’t. Not because every situation isn’t a little bit different; but because every situation where a girl isn’t interested anymore shares a common feature (her lack of interest) which trumps all the differences!
The last example I want to discuss is the all too common situation where men assume mild or non-existent mental "disorders" (low end Autism spectrum/ADD/HD come to mind) make their situation any different than that of "the rest of us". I wrote about not diagnosing your limitations and how worrying about a supposed mental "handicap" is rarely an effective means of getting anything accomplished and I want to echo that point when it comes to dating advice:
Certain things are universally attractive to women, such as eye contact and touch. There’s no way around it. There’s no special advice that will get you women without making eye contact with them because "your condition" makes it hard for you. You have to suck it up and make eye contact if you want women, like I have been forcing myself to do for 15+ years despite it being unnatural for me.
I got other news for you: being terrified of making eye contact with people or touching people isn’t a disease, IT’S NORMAL. MOST PEOPLE are terrified of making eye contact, especially with a woman they are interested in. And even if it weren’t, it doesn’t matter: there is no special solution for your special situation, generally speaking, you need to make eye contact to get women.
There are special cases, but exhaust the standard solutions first
Don’t get me wrong, as with everything in dating (and most things in life), each situation does have its differences. However, you should not assume your situation is different or special until you have exhausted the ‘standard of care’. The standard solutions to the common questions have been refined by experts for decades and implicitly by men for hundreds of not thousands of years. The standard advice is standard because it usually works. So, if you haven’t exhausted the standard solutions, stop finding excuses why the standard solutions won’t work for you and instead apply them first and see what happens.